The Mad Maniacial Musings of Mad Mike

Is it worth it?

2010-08-05T03:25:00.002-04:00

You know, there aren't many things in my life that I know for sure.

My life has been so out of control the past couple years, it's hard to really grab a hold of something...

Something to clutch, something to hold on tight, so you don't lose your grip entirely...

For a while now, for a long time actually there has been a feeling I've had that in my times of turmoil, has only strengthened...

Why it has strengthened, I'm not exactly sure...

There have probably been a couple of contributing factors, but I'm not sure if these factors are legitimate or if I have concocted them in my head...

I sit here every night and I dwell on this, I've dwelled on this for years...

Everyone I've talked to almost seems to reinforce that my dwelling is not for naught...

Everyone, except one person...

The one person I really should be talking to about this...

But I can't...

I don't know if its cowardice or fear of the unknown or if its just the thought that this is one of the last good things I've been holding on to that has been there for me..

And if I do talk to this person, and it doesn't go well, well then I don't know what will happen...

It's just that this feeling is stronger than any feeling I can ever recall having, its so absolute in my mind that I don't know what would happen if it was crushed...

But if I don't have this conversation, I'll be able to keep the hope in my head, and in my heart...

If I never have this conversation, then I'll never know the possible disappointment...

But the only thing I need to ask myself is...

Is it worth it?

I'm beginning to blog a lot like Christmas

2009-11-16T15:53:00.002-05:00

Okay now that baseball season is over (go Yanks!) I can finally return to the blogosphere, and since I seem to be getting increasingly bored at work, expect more posts...hopefully.

But I'm not sure if you people have noticed but it's a week until Thanksgiving already and of course that means Christmas decorations were up a month and a half ago, but now it's okay to talk about it. And since it's the Christmas season, I've decided to do a brief little ditty on my three favorite Christmas movies of all time.

3.Jingle All the Way

-Ahnold Schwartzenegger's Christmas flick about the toy every kid wants is fabulous, I'm not going to say it's Oscar worthy material, but Arnold and Sinbad have an awesome chemistry in the flick, mix in a little bit of Phil Hartman, and top it off the The Big Show in the biggest damn Santa suit I've ever seen, you have an epic win.

2.The Grinch

-I am referring to Jim Carrey's version, although I do love the cartoon as well, I just thought Carrey brought such life to the Grinchy character and they expanded the story well enough without taking away from the central message of the story and kept it humorous enough. The supporting cast also has a lot of really good comedic talent behind it and they make Whoville a really vibrant place to live in.

1.Die Hard

-Seriously, the greatest Christmas movie of all time. Don't think this is a Christmas movie? Let's take a look at the facts, random Christmas party where people get drunk? Check. Naughty people getting punished by not getting what they want for Christmas? Check. Use of the word “Ho.” is a Santa-esque variety? Check. Check. Check. Movie beginning and ending with Christmas music? Check. Obligatory family hug in the snow? Check. Happy ending? Yipee ki yay mother checker! Oh yeah there's also a fat guy enjoying sugared treats, thank you Carl Winslow. So you say Die Hard isn't a Christmas movie, I say fie onto you and argue it is the greatest Christmas movie.

Worktime Blog Randomness!

2009-09-24T12:53:00.000-04:00

The Return of the Random Blog From Work

Well here I am sitting at a desk again, and because this new job is still very new and training is not anywhere near completion yet, I thought I'd bring back an old concept but a fun one. I pick something random in pop culture and just start typing about it.

This weeks issue: Rogue's galleries, and no this does not mean pictures of Anna Paquin.

Myself and my buddies Danny and Steve got into a semi-heated debate about who has the best rogue's gallery in comic book history. Superman and Captain America were among the first discussed but then quickly dismissed when we quickly realized that after Lex Luthor and The Red Skull, there's not much depth there. I brought up the Teen Titans but then was shot down because it's a combined rogue's gallery, and that isn't really fair. Though for the record Slade Wilson is one of my favorite comic book villains of all time.

On and on the debate went until we finally narrowed it down to two heroes, both with impressive arrays of villains of varying complexity and danger. Those two heroes are Batman and Spider-man. And I will analyze both before giving my opinion, though I'm sure anyone who knows me knows who I'm gonna say.

We'll start with Batman and I'll give a Top 5 list of at least my favorite villains for the Caped Crusader.

1.The Joker – Easily Batman's chief rival, and really epitomizes what Batman goes up against. Joker is just insane but hilarious at the same time, and easily has had the best material. From Cesar Romero's makeup covered mustache to Nicholson “rubbing another man's rhubarb” to Mark Hamill being completely and fully awesome in the animated series and Batman Beyond (the movie Return of the Joker is a must watch) all the way to Heath Ledger's amazing portrayal of the Crown Prince of Crime.
2.The Riddler – Okay I'm going to get flak for putting Riddler this high on my list, but these are all my opinion because this is how I grew up with the Bat. The Riddler was always such a fun villain for me because he didn't need to resort to physicality, and it was more of a reason why Batman is a great detective, not just a strong semi-ninja badass.
3.Ra's Al Guhl – Now I know he's higher on most other people's list, and truth be told, I'm not that high on him. I mean I do respect that he is reallt the guy who can get to Bruce Wayne and not necessarily Batman and that's always the mark of a good villain. They know the secret identity and explot it, but don't expose it.
4.Two Face – Oh man do I loves me some Harvey Dent. It's great to see Batman always show a bit of remorse when he is up against Two Face because he knows that he is partially responsible for turning public servant Harvey Dent into a coin flipping murdering madman.
5.Poison Ivy – Female villains are tough to come by, especially really credible ones. But when you give someone an outlook on life that is good and then take it up to insane proportions, then give her control over all the world's fauna, that's a force of nature. Plus Ivy plays off her looks and uses it to capitalize and gain the upper hand on the bat and bird. Plus deep down she's a chemistry nerd, and who doesn't love a good chemistry nerd?

Is this list complete? Of course not. Will you agree with all of my choices? I sure hope not, but these are Batman's Top 5 Villains in my humble opinion. All due respect to Misters Cobblepot and Freis.

Now moving on to everyone's favorite webslinger, Spider-man. Here's a brief rundown of my Top 5 favorite Spidey villains.

1.Norman Osborne – Oh man where do I start with the awesomeness of Normie? He's got the political stroke of Lex Luthor and the criminal genius of The Joker. And his glider's got jets. But serious Norman was a huge threat to Spidey even BEFORE he knew who was under the webbed mask, but once Norman found out Peter's little secret, he made the young Parker's life a living hell. That and he likes to throw blonde women off of bridges.
2.Venom – Eddie Brock regardless of what backstory you follow has always been a huge threat to Spidey for the simple reason that Venom has all the same powers as Petey does, and doesn't register as a threat to the ever present spider-sense of the wall crawler. But also the fact that the alien symbiode bonded to Brock's skin only has very few weaknesses and is powered by the overwhelming hatred Eddie has for Parker and Spider-man.
3.J. Jonah Jameson – Peter's boss being on this list probably surprises some people but it really shouldn't. Beyond being able to torture Parker at work, he also is a huge detractor of Spider-man. Jonah was the one responsible for spider slayers to try and taken down the webbed wonder, and the creation of Scorpion. And recently in the Brand New Day in the comics, the dynamic between Jonah and Peter has gotten so much better as Jonah is now the step brother to Peter Parker, but Mayor of New York City with a whole team dedicated to take down the anti-registration criminal known as Spider-man.
4.Doctor Octopus – Otto Octavius has spent a lifetime trying to make things difficult for Spider-man. He is truly a geek gone bad as the mechanical limbs bonded to his spine has basically driven him to the point of madness. He even tried to marry Peter's Aunt May once. And the writer's of spider-man look highly enough on Doc Ock to feature him in ASM 600, where Otto hacks into the city grid and actually has the whole of New York City attack Spider-man. He is probably the biggest threat while being the physically weakest because of his mental acumen.
5.Burglar – Honestly I had a hard time coming up with the fifth because I was running through a whole list of guys like Lizard, Kraven, Chameleon, Kingpin, etc. But there is one guy who, with one simple act, has haunted Peter for years, decades even, and this guy was never even given a name. It really illustrates why Spider-man works as a hero. This random guy, the one guy Spidey really just let slide, ends up being the person who has impacted and shaped his life more than Norman Osbourne would even hope to take credit for. The murder of Uncle Ben, made Spider-man who he is today, and is the prime motivation for Pete to continue leading this dual life because with great power there must also come great responsibility (had to fit that line in somewhere).

Now you may be wondering why there was no mention of Catwoman in Batman's list, and honestly it's because Spider-man has Black Cat who is essentially the same character, only done better. And yes I think Spidey has better villains just because they seem more well rounded than Batman's villains, and also they don't have to rot in an Asylum and then break out every time they want to do something criminal.

Well hope you enjoyed this rant...if anyone even reads this anymore.

My Little One Year Vacation...of sorts

2009-08-15T02:48:00.003-04:00

What a strange and wacky year its been.

A year and a little under two weeks ago, I got fired from my job at Wyeth, and to say I wasn't handling it well would be an understatement.

Though I figured it was a good thing at the time. A little time off from everything, a brain break if you will. I figured with my academic credentials and job experience, I'd be able to land a job by my birthday, and all would be right with the world.

Then month by month slowly went by. Slowly. Exceedingly slow. And the months just seemed to drag on and one, and the economy seemed to be getting worse are worse and the job market shrinking faster than a tiny dick in the Arctic Ocean. (How's that imagery for ya?)

And as time went on, I got more and more frustrated and despondent, as this blog can pretty much attest to. And it seems like as soon as something started to look like it was going my way, it was dashed away thus dragging me lower into my rut.

But it looks like there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Right when my unemployment ran out, I got a new job at IBM up in Fishkill.

Slight problems with it though.

It's not in my field.
It's a lot less money, nothing to sneeze at, but a lot less.
I basically have to live with my folks for the whole week away from all my friends.
And I'm not really that enthused about it.

....but it's a job, and it's a start.

And for right now, I guess that's good enough.

I don't understand sports movies sometimes Pt. 1

2009-06-19T12:54:00.003-04:00

I call this part one because I'm sure not how many parts I'm going to do of this...but it is something I'm probably going to end up doing more than once. But I watch a lot of sports movies, currently The Waterboy is ending right now, case in point. And I'd like to think of myself as a pretty decent sports fan, not an aficionado of any kind, but I'm relatively active in the pro sporting world...and yet some things sports movies just plain baffle me. This series of blogs will be exploring the minutia of pop culture stuff I love to pick apart.

1) Luis Mendoza is a horrible hockey player, and a horrible human being.

Now granted, I'm new to the sport of hockey just recently watching it now (Go Pens) but I'm an expert at the Might Ducks movies. Now the first Mighty Ducks movies, the kids were not expected to be talented, and most of them weren't as evidenced by the fact that they axed a lot of kids without any explanation (i.e. Jesse's brother and Little Pete). But the second movie was when the Ducks were given an influx of so-called "ringers." Now I have no issues with the smoking hot Julie "The Cat", the enforcer Portman, the puck-wrangler Dwayne, or even Mr. spinny-flippy Ken Wu...but Luis Mendoza, he's an issue.

The man could not stop in a fast break on skates. Now the very few times I've been ice skating in my life, I have realized that stopping is a very important aspect of the sport, especially in hockey. There is no way that he should be considered a "ringer" if the man can't stop. And despite his shortcomings the one time he does stop, he sprays so much ice in the face of the goalie that it could be counted as interference. Mighty Ducks 3 only explains the horribleness of Mendoza further, as he has apparently not only forgotten how to stop (way to go Coach Orion) but scams on a varsity player's girlfriend and just shrugs it off with "Our little secret". If the boyfriend had done something openly horrible to his girl I can accept that, because that's the movies...but no, Mendoza probably just said he was in Menudo and broke up what appeared to be a perfectly happy relationship. So, in short, fuck you Luis Mendoza.

2) The Rick Vaughn situation

Pitcher characters in sports movies have always been somewhat of a mystery to me. It seems like every time a pitcher takes the mound in a sports movie, he always pitches complete games and there is literally no bullpen. However, Rick appeared in both of his movies as a starter and as a reliever. I'm not sure if this is a Joba Chamberlain-like scenario, but it can be very confusing for baseball fans who actually watch these movies...or for that matter just take it way too seriously.

Okay well that's all for now, or at least all I can think of right now without getting too wordy.

High School Hearthrobs...

2009-06-03T15:28:00.002-04:00

Okay, this is going to be yet another random over assessing pop culture blog posts...so strap in, make sure your tray tables are in their upright and locked position, and the captain has turned on the "being awesome" sign.

I'm sitting here watching the last episode of Saved by the Bell, the Malibu Sands summer, and as the classic early 90s love music kicks in as Zach says goodbye to Stacy and Slater walks off with a young, hot Denise Richards, I'm left to wonder...did either Zach or Slater ever get laid? For that matter did any TV high school hearthrob get laid?

I'm talking Fonzie, Zach Morris, Shawn Hunter, Will Smith, Eddie Winslow and a whole slew of others...we were led to believe that they were the macks of their respective schools and had the girls falling all over them. But it doesn't seem like they ever got more action beyond the no tongue closed mouth kisses we saw on screen.

It's a very odd concept that the illusion these shows tried to create, because in actuality if these guys existed in real high schools, they would probably be crawling with so many diseases it would make Courtney Love blush. Yet it didn't matter how many girls these guys hit on, kissed, asked out, dated, or what have you they were back a week later with a new one.

High school TV sure tried to teach us some weird values.

Anyway for those still playing the little game I mentioned last week, here's another one to crash your internal hard drive. Imagine the country's first black president Mays Gilliam, the evil alien from Men in Black 2, Severus Snape, Frida Calo, independent pornography star Lester The Molester Cocknshtuff, and the Warlock trying to track down Daredevil and Will Hunting all while being thwarted by Earl, his brother Randy, and Rufus, and thus you have a really interesting re imagining of Dogma.

Certainly has been a while...

2009-05-22T22:46:00.003-04:00

Okay it's been a while for me since I did this, and to be honest I'm not really sure why. Many blog worthy things have come and gone...I mean hell my last blog was in November. I didn't blog about Christmas, my favorite holiday of the year. I didn't give a recap of 2008. Nothing about the start of the baseball season, or about my awesome last trip to the Burgh. Hell I went to Japan for my 26th birthday and still nothing posted on this site. And yet I'm not sure why I never got around to writing about it.

Actually...I probably do know why, call it writer's block, call it lack of focus, call it pessimism, but honestly...I'm in a rut.

A rut creatively, emotionally, psychologically, financially, pretty much any way I can be in a rut...I am in a rut.

So why the blog post now, you ask? I don't know...I'm sitting here on a Friday night bored as hell watching NCIS, and I need to do something. So here I sit, here I type. Apologies if this isn't exactly the most well thought out or thought provoking blog you've ever read. I'm just I guess trying to get back to doing this because I loved doing it for a while.

You know my folks keep telling me that I need to establish some sort of routine for myself, because they know I'm in a rut too. And to that I say, it's really hard to develop a routine when it's hard enough just to get the motivation to get out of bed and do something every day, especially when you have nothing you have to do.

But I'm trying...I guess. I'm starting out slow if you can call it that, I'm establishing a new workout routine for myself at a new gym. And I have a few people in my life trying to keep my spirits up, but it's really difficult. I mean until I can someone set a balance to my life to where I have some sort of job that I can get a hold of, the overwhelming stench of failure still kinda radiates from me. And I know I'm not the only one with this problem, especially in these times. But is it wrong for me to feel kinda worse when I see friends of mine lose their jobs just like I did, then spring right back to their feet a few weeks later? I mean I wish the very best for all of my friends, but I wish I just had someone, anyone in my life that could relate to me right now. And I don't. As much as everyone is trying to cheer me up, it's usually only temporary because I don't have anyone who really knows how much of a failure I feel like.

It's just hard because there's nothing I can actively do to change my situation. Sure I can send out all the applications in the world, and I can follow up with phone calls, and I can look outside my profession, outside my state, outside any other cities I'd be willing to live in...but ultimately, I don't make the decision. It's all in someone else's hands, and the very few interviews that I have gotten, thought went well and then nothing are like knives all over me. What did I do wrong? Did I not smile enough? Should I have done better in Statics? Did I spit when I talked? Were they looking for someone with a vagina? Someone with darker skin to fill a quota? Is there anything I could have actively changed about myself that would have gotten me a job? I mean is there someone out there who can somehow give me gratification that the past 8 years of my life trying to get my Master's degree wasn't a huge fucking waste of my time?

Ugh. Okay...this is a long post so far, but I'm going to try and cheer myself up by doing what I love to do most...analyzing pop culture WAAAAAY too much.

I was out with a few friends last week and someone made a statement that really got me thinking. Golden Girls is really just an extension of Sex and the City. I mean it makes a lot of sense when you look at it, take Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte give them about 20 years and kill all their husbands, then relocate them to Del Boca Vista and it's basically the same show. Samantha would be Blanche, the sex-crazed one. Charlotte would be Rose, the sweet but scatterbrained one. Carrie would be Sophia and Miranda would be Dorothy. Watch an episode of golden Girls and put the Sex and the City actresses in the roles and it becomes a much weirder show, but still very similar.

Okay one more thing before I start to get into brain mush, I've recently created a new game for myself to make movies I've seen a million times over seem more interesting. Basically I imagine what a film would be like if you took the leads and then replaced them with a role they played in another movie. Okay that even looks confusing reading it, so I'll explain it with an example.

The movie One Fine Day with George Clooney and Michelle Pfeiffer where they are both single parents trying to get through a crazy day in New York City with their kids and end up falling for each other, you all know it and love it. Now let's examine both those actors film histories. Take Clooney who played Batman in the infamous "nipples and codpiece" Batman movie, and take Michelle who played Catwoman in the "hey Christopher Walken's in this one" Batman movie, and now picture "One Fine Day" where the two protagonists are Batman and Catwoman trying to take care of their kids in full costumes in NYC. To me, that makes a much more awesome movie.

Try it yourself and feel free to let me know what kind of crazy shit you come up with. I personally think seeing Tyler Durden, Batman, Ross and Monica's dad, Jason Bourne, and Shawn "Sugar Daddy" Donkey trying to steal money from Terry Benedict far more interesting than Danny Ocean and his crew. Also here's a teriffic visual to leave you on, Heath Ledger's Joker in 10 Things I Hate About You.

I rest my case.

Keep on, keeping on people.

Friday 5: The H without the 5 W's

2008-11-22T04:02:00.002-05:00

1. How’s your health?

Health is pretty good, I mean I could stand to lose a little weight, but I could sit to not do so also

2. How was your day?

Not too bad today actually, went to Buffalo Wild Wings, saw Wall.E (amazing film btw), and played mario party

3. How’s the weather?

Cold, but I'd like a little snow

4. How do you expect to get anywhere in life with an attitude like that?

That's awfully judgmental for a third person omniscient

5. How many people made you smile today?

Probably three or four :)

I'm Drinking and Blogging...this should get interesting

2008-11-20T00:11:00.002-05:00

Okay apologies in advance, because this could perhaps be very long winded and at some points very heavy. I'm warning you now, if that isn't your sort of deal, you may as well stop reading now. Because it's not been a good couple of weeks and now that I'm drinking...verbal diarrhea is to follow.

Well it's officially been over three months since I was laid off, and let me tell you I probably couldn't have "picked" a worse time to get laid off. You know when I said I was sort of looking forward to some time off? Guess what? I've had enough time off, and it's finally settling in that this is really the first time I've ever had no true form of income. I've probably sent out about a hundred resumes and have barely heard a sniff out of it. Save for a potential interview in the Burgh and a potential interview in middle Jersey, I feel like every time I send out a resume it's just like I'm back in the 7th grade parties asking girls to dance. Failure every time.

I mean granted I know I could be a lot worse off. I know there are hundreds of thousands of people in this country, and millions in this world who don't have it nearly as good as I do. I still have my health, I still have a whole bunch of great friends, I still have some money saved in the bank (granted its slowly depleting but some), and my folks still back me up with anything I could need help with. But at the same time its just incredibly frustrating to know, that the seven years I spent busting my ass, pulling all nighters, sacrificing myself and my life, to get two pieces of paper that no one will even give a second glance to.

I know its just a matter of time and I should sit and be patient. But my patience is wearing thin, and waiting is getting harder and harder. My sleep habits are getting worse and I feel more and more like a failure every day.

It's almost the same as my personal life...but that's another blog I guess, two bottles of wine are gone, it's 4:12 so I just sent Ashley a wake up text, and I should get to my usual routine of laying in bed for an hour and a half trying to sleep.

I just want to be happy, is that so much to ask?

Friday 5: Misuses?

2008-11-14T07:33:00.002-05:00

Here we got this week, with another fabulous edition of the Friday 5!

1. When did you last use the edge of a coin (or a knife blade) as a screwdriver?

Probably a long time ago because my dad's gift to me when I moved into my new place was a tool set, so I'd guess back when I was in college

2. When did you last use a wire coat-hanger to break into a car?

Fortunately I've never had to do this before.

3. When did you last use food or drink as medication?

Any time I have an upset stomach it's right to saltines and ginger ale for me.

4. When did you last use your cellular telephone as a flashlight?

Oh jeez, probably last night, I do that all the time.

5. When did you last use a paper clip for any purpose other than to clip paper?

Well I personally didn't use it, but one of my friends used it to...clean something out.

Homework Assignment #6: Back to Black to Basics

2008-11-13T00:59:00.003-05:00

So this week, we’re getting back to basics. Back to what this little creative journey started off with–Character creation.

Image originally from Borissov at DeviantART

Don’t think, don’t weave intricate tales, don’t try to be brilliantly insightful. Just tell me who this is. You tell me as much as your creative mind allows, or as little. Some people’s first instinct when looking at an image is a snowball effect of ideas and stories. Some need more guidance. At the very least, answer the following:

* What’s her name?
* What’s her favorite movie/book? (Does she even have one? Can she even read?)
* What is her favorite time of year?
* Is she allergic to anything?
* Has she ever been married?
* How many siblings does she have?
* What is her dream?

See? You don’t have to answer those specifically, but if you’re having trouble getting inside the heads of characters you’re writing into short stories (Or novels for NaNoWriMo), sometimes these mundane questions help.

No excuses this week, hmm?

Ready, GO!

Angela had the dream life that many little girls fantasize about when they are younger. She can be seen on billboards all across the world promoting everything from her line of fragrances to fancy designer clothing to her own multi-platinum CD. Children everywhere looked up to her, women everywhere envied her, and men everywhere wanted to be with her.

Yet...Angela had a problem.

Ever since she was little her mother, a former beauty queen, pushed her only daughter to showbiz. She was the baby in the Sears Wish Book for three years running until, her parents got her into commercials. She was entered into beauty pageants all throughout her schooling. However, Angela wanted more for herself. She felt she was more than just a pretty face, she applied herself in her studies. She got tutors for herself without her parents knowledge, she developed a taste for fine arts, literature from some of the greatest minds of our time, and the cinema like Shawshank Redemption and Memento, and she made the honor roll every year at school. She wanted to become something where she would be appreciated for her mind and not her looks. But she never had the self confidence to step up to her parents, because watching her win awards made them so happy. And this trend continued even as she received her Master's degree in biochemistry. Her parents were elated that now she had finished school she could make her star burn brighter than ever before and wouldn't be bogged down by classes and such. And this trend continued because at this point she was tired of trying to do something else.

Then one night everything changed, Angela arrived to hair and makeup early for a photoshoot. She was sitting in the makeup chair and waiting for her stylist when she overheard the director of the shoot, speaking about "all these idiot models" and "stuck up bitches who probably can't read more than a clothing label." She got fed up and left the shoot.

And here she is, she has not turned back. The director has called, her parents have called, her friends have called. She's done being a model, she's done using her looks to get by, she's going to use her degree and go somewhere were she can be appreciated for her mind, and finally be happy with herself. And suddenly she realized that she loved the taste of the cool autumn night, because it tasted like freedom.

Miss Papuga's Homework: Once Upon A Time

2008-11-11T04:47:00.001-05:00

All right, boys and girls… Vacation is over!

It’s been a while since our last homework assignment, and I’m thrilled to see folks still posting their responses to the older assignments. I’m still considering a way to properly celebrate all of your fantastic responses here on the site, so if you have any ideas let me know! Okay, time to get down to business. For reasons that shall remain mysterious, I have recently become re-obsessed with Fairy Tales. Because I can’t get them out of my head, I’m going to infect you all as well!

One of my favorite assignments to give out has always been part of my Adaptations class, and I’m dying to know how you creative folks would approach it. Consider, for a moment, the traditional Fairy Tale. Usually you have an inanimate object at the heart of the story. Take, for example, Cinderella. You have a glass slipper causing all sorts of conflict and trouble. Some Fairy Tales have more than one (even in Cinderella, you can think of the Carriage, etc). You even have peripheral characters who appear but don’t have much to say. Fairy Tales are all about imagination, the fantasy world, and giving life and importance to things outside of the norm. (Okay, I’m not going to rant about the didactic nature of Fairy Tales, or the symbolism here. That’s an altogether different post. Let’s stick to the fun, hmm?)

Once upon a time…

You homework this week is to think about one fairy tale (I don’t care if it’s the Brothers Grimm, Anderson, or even Disney’s masterful theft), and reconsider the story from the point of view of either an inanimate object (Glass slipper, anyone?), or one of the peripheral characters (Maybe the Blue Fairy from Pinocchio). Retell your condensed version of the story either in the comments, or on your own site.

Okay since I'm not all to familiar with the Grimm's or Anderson's tales I'm going to use the only source of fairy tales I know of, Disney. And since my favorite Disney movie is Aladdin, I'm going to use Aladdin's little simian buddy Abu.

Abu is laying on a roof in the Marketplace of Argabah on what is seemingly a nomral day. What follows is the internal monoogue of what goes on in this curious little monkey's mind over the next couple of days.

Man, is it good to be a thief. Me and Al we got this shit locked down to a science. He sets them up I knock them down, and vice versa. Wait...damn it guards. Looks like we're gonna have to make a run for it. Honestly, I don't mind...but I wish I could just slap Al every time he spontaneously breaks into song when we are trying to escape. I mean I know the dude has my back and all, but doesn't he recognize that song makes it easier for them to follow us.

...Though it is kinda catchy, damn it.

Abu and Aladdin go through a daring escape in the marketplace only to find themselves parachuting down into an abandoned alleyway to safety.

Ugh...we really need to stop escaping to places where there are little kids who look even more destitute than we are, shit's getting tiresome.

Hey! Wait Al! Oh man where the fuck is he going?

Jeez...there are parades for that bitch princess every day it seems, this is no different. Why is he drawn to that shit? I mean it just leads to...yup, thrown in the mud. Oh wait, he's making a pun, I better laugh.

After heading back to their "loft" Abu sleeps comfortably as Aladdin sings yet another song about making it big someday. In the morning Al and his monkey pal are back in the marketplace looking to scam some food that evaded them the day before.

Okay let me run the strategy down, he distracts the guard I swipe all the apples I can...wait, what's he looking at?

Oh...shit...a dame.

Christ she just stole right in front of everyone, well punishment should be fun to watch...oh Christ. Of course Mr. hero has to go try and save her. Well while there's a scene I may as well help myself.

As Aladdin tried to talk the disguised Jasmine out of trouble, our simian hero runs around stealing coins and apples from everywhere in sight.

Oh great...Al is winging it, I just better play along and not blow this cover. Hey...the chick isn't a bad actress, and she's now bowing before me.

Kneel Before Zod!!!

Weird, I'm not even sure how I know that reference.

Oh crap! My bad! The loot spilled! Bail! Bail!

Abu, Al, and Jasmine speed away through the marketplace and they go through the back route to get to the roofs of Agrabah.

I swear this bitch better not stick around for too long, me and Al had a good thing going. She's only going to cause us trouble...well trouble we can't get out of. Crap...what's that noise?

At this moment guards come storming up into Aladdin's home. Abu runs off out of sheer fright. Aladdin and Jasmine leap from his home, however, right into the arms of the head palace guard. Jasmine's identity is revealed, as Abu watches on from the rooftops and carefully follows where the guards take Aladdin.

Jesus, I knew this was going to backfire on him. Never trust a pretty face I always say...then again, I don't speak English audibly, so he wouldn't get it. Ah well at least I can sneak into the palace pretty quickly. Not like this would be the first time he's landed in the dungeons.

Ah, there it is!

Ok I'll just slide through these bars and...

Abu frees Aladdin and the old man in the dungeon takes him to the Cave of Wonders. Aladdin is looking for the lamp, while Abu is just roaming around.

Hot diggity daffodils, look at all this loot. Sucks that I can't tough a single bit of it...though personally I think it's bullshit. If I see something amazing I'm taking it. Damn why does it feel like there's something sneaking up behind me?

Hello?

Holy fuck....someone...just took....my hat...

Ah! It's a fucking carpet!!

The fucking carpet is moving! Al!

Jeez, you just accept anything if it doesn't look harmful. Fine you stay with the self moving furniture item, I'm going to look around a bit...holy...holy....holy balls. Look at that ruby!

I'm going for it! Let go of me you stupid throw rug!

Voice of the Cave: YOU HAVE TOUCHED THE FORBIDDEN TREASURE! NOW YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY!!

..............................my bad

Abu and Al escape the lava tidal wave, and Abu manages to grab the lamp before the cave shuts permanently.

Saving your ass yet again, though I don't know what's so special about the lamp. Not that it matters at this point since we're probably gonna die in here....wow, that's a big blue dude.

A genie eh? Damn I wish I could speak so I could wish for something...I kinda also wish this dude would just stop talking for five seconds. It sounds like he has A.D.D. and diarrhea of the mouth. Oh well at least Al talked us out of here.

Damn! That sun is bright, but it's good to know we are out. I'm gonna stretch a bit, while they're talking about bull shit wishes Al will never waste on me anyway.

Wait...why is he looking at me like that?

Something doesn't smell right about this...

Don't point that finger at me!

Stop saying jibberish!

AHHHHHHH! I'm being turned into....

Oh...fuck.

Abu has been turned into an elephant and is now crashing through the doors of the palace in Agrabah.

I hate this, while he's trying to mack it to a chick that's already obviously into him, I'm stuck here sitting bitch with a carpet, and her pet tiger. A pet tiger who kinda looks at me like I'm some sort of buffet.

Being an elephant sucks balls, eh but at least I'm always packed for a trip.

Damn, that joke doesn't even sound funny as an elephant.

I can't even keep tabs on my buddy. I mean I'm not on his shoulder to save his ass, who knows what he's getting up to.

Meanwhile Aladdin is arrested by Jafar, thrown in the lake to drown.

You know, they say elephants never forget...but I don't even remember what I had for lunch, that hasn't even two hours ago. What bullshit.

Genie saves Aladdin, and Al exposes Jafar as a traitor to the Sultan. Jasmine and Al agree to marry but now we are taken to Al's room where he is talking about his third wish.

Look at this guy, the second he gets me turned into a damned elephant, he almost gets himself drowned. Tell me again how great it is to have a monkey sidekick. And now he's being a little bitch and not going to free the Genie. God I'd sove love to give him the Outbreak monkey bite right now...yet another reference I was unaware that I knew of, go figure.

Jafar has become a sorcerer due to the stolen lamp. Jafar is now attacking the Sultan, Al, Jasmine, and the entire court.

I'll trample that pointy bearded mother fucker Al, don't you worry! Oh...shit, hey wait! I'm me again!

Great, now I'm a tiny little monkey against a huge mega wizard...this really just is not my day. And why do I suddenly crave peanuts, I didn't have any as an elephant and now I want some...Jesus.

Jafar has now sent Aladdin, carpet and Abu to Siberia in the tower of the palace.

FUCK IT'S COLD!!!!

Carpet flies our heroes back to Agrabah...surprisingly quickly. Abu and Aladdin are now trying to sneak up on Jafar, to get the lamp.

Oh good this is just like old times, only I finally get to take down that fucking bird that sounds like the dude from Problem Child. Booyaka bitch!

Go get that lamp Al, my boy! I got him! Shit, wait, OW! That fucker bit me!

Oh...balls.

And now...I'm a toy monkey...clanging cymbals...I'm not even supposed to be here today...

Aladdin saves the day...you know how it goes. And everyone lives happily ever after.

Dude, next time you see a pretty girl in the marketplace...I'm just gonna bite her and give her AIDS, so none of this shit will happen again. Now someone get me some God damned grapes!

Friday 5: Jeez I've missed doing these

2008-11-08T03:07:00.002-05:00

Ok, been a while since I've done a Friday 5...I've been slacking on pretty much everything white van related, I even have two assignments from Miss Papuga to do...damn it! Well here goes for this week.

1. What usually marks the middle of your day? My days these days are pretty random, if I wake up normal time then the middle of my day is lunch...if however, the insomnia sets in the middle of my day could be somewhere around 7pm, so i'd be watching jeopardy

2. From whom (or to whom) was your most recent middle-of-the-night phone call? middle of the night phone call? hmmmmm I've had some early morning text chats with miss Ashley, but i think i got drunk dialed by my buddy danny a week ago

3. On what social, political, economic, or moral issue are you in the middle of the road? You'll find I'm unfortunately not terribly political one most issues, I mean I have my opinions and everything but I'm never really like so stuck in my opinion that it can't be changed or altered simply because I try not to educate myself about a lot of stuff like that, because in the end for everything there is a potential loophole, for any plan there is a chance the plan fails, nothing is foolproof so I kinda just keep my opinions to myself most of the time, and wait to see things in action

4. How likely are you to give someone your middle finger? As a bonafide wrestling fan, the middle finger has been greatly desensitized, so I'd imagine it would be quite often

5. When were you last caught in the middle of a disagreement that really had nothing to do with you? Ha. All the time, I'm too nosy for my own good sometimes, but I just hate disagreements between my friends

Time for you, yes YOU to play in the white van...

2008-10-20T12:30:00.002-04:00

...Don't worry, I still have candy.

Okay so since a few of my blogging buddies have come up with interactive blogging ideas for the listeners at home to have fun with (i.e. Miss Papuga's awesome creative writing assignments and Chachi's Mad Libs), I thought I would come up with something of my own.

A segue is something I have become more and more accustomed to creating after working on more and more podcasts (please listen to the Wrestling Mayhem Show and the Level 5 podcast) or simply trying to get out of an awkward conversational topic. For those of you who don't know, a segue is like a transitional piece in speech or music to get from one topic to the next seemlessly. Now you may be asking yourself, "Self, what does a segue have to do with me blogging?"

Well I'm glad you asked.

Something I've noticed within myself and I'm sure a lot of you do this as well, but I tend to make about 8 or 9 internal segues in my own head and start up a new topic of conversation that seems completely unrelated at first glance, but once I explain the stream of consciousness segues going on in my head, it does make perfect sense.

For example, I was talking to my friend once and I found a penny on the ground. I went to pick up the penny, which made me think of Abraham Lincoln, which in turn made me think of Beldar Conehead's Halloween costume from the movie Coneheads, which in turn made me think of the movie Wayne's World, which in turn reminded me of the song Ballroom Blitz, which brought in memories of Rockband so I started humming Blitzkrieg Bop, and by the time I actually said something out of my mouth it was a quote from the Justin Long movie Accepted.

Now as you could imagine, this drew a very blank stare from my friend. So once I explained myself, everything got cleared up and we continued on a new topic of conversation stemming off of there.

So I am going to introduce something to stimulate any mental A.D.D. you guys have...if anyone actually decides to do this, so the first edition of Mad Segues, I'm just going to give you two completely random things that pop into my head, and you guys can use anything in your mind that you can think of to relate the two items together. And just to show that I play along too, when I release the next one I'm going to give you a stream of segues I thought of to relate the two items. So I hope you guys have fun with this, and feel free to post it on your blogs and link it in my comments. And without further adieu, here are the first two items for Mad Segues:

The fruit snack delight known as Shark Bites and the song "Dust in the Wind"

Friday 5 and ScottBaio Says

2008-10-17T21:29:00.002-04:00

*Blows dust off blog*

Guess it has been a little bit hasn't it? Well don't worry now with weddings and such out of the way and play time in NH coming up I have several blogs I want to get off my chest, but first....I have been commanded and ordered by Scott Baio to engage in some silly little idea of his, and of course I have the Friday 5 after missing one week of fivey goodness.

1. Who frightens you?

Sarah Palin....in a month this woman could be one irregular heartbeat away from running the free world

2. Who regularly surprises you?

Vince Russo and the rest of the geniuses at TNA, every time I think you can't stoop lower or suck more...you have Jarrett try to get over by playing up his wife that really died...what would your children think of that you sick fucks.

3. Who calms you down?

Calms me down? Well I guess it really depends on who is available at the time but most of my really good friends who know me, know how to calm me down.

4. Who inspires you?

My ex's little sister. I know it's an odd choice, but she got cancer of her eye when she was very young and had to get a glass eye installed, and she has been cancer free ever since and has done it all with a smile on her face and a relatively normal life.

5. Who admires you perhaps more than he or she should?

I don't know if anyone really admires me...

Now moving along to what will probably be the first of many Chachi Says segments, though I'll still call it Scott Baio says to simply bust his chops

Today was a lethargic day. I woke up late thanks to my kendo stick. I got to work and prepared myself for what was to come. Eventually calls started coming in. Although today I was not accused of liberating of any fonts. Kinda sad actually because I was looking forward to dealing with kinky Librarians. I was however told that I am one of the retarded people that shit in the support center. I did however manage to split some really funky moves which made it an alright day. Today we had our biweekly Munchkin Lunch break. Twice a week a few guys from the office get together and strip this card game. It’s a lazy game that really anyone can play.

Chachi Says: That not every day can be a horny day. Sometimes they just come by.

Doing homework early...this isn't like me

2008-09-27T03:03:00.004-04:00

Before I start I just want to thank Dawn, as this is a really fun idea and I think I'm going to come up with some weekly fun assignment type thing as well because everyone loves to have their creativity stimulated, that and it's a good easy way to keep the blog updated ;)

And plus I've almost blogged once a day for this entire week so I figured I'd keep the trend up and do the homework early.

Homework #4: Memories

Yet another twist to the game:

Everyone has at least one “Junk Drawer” in their home where errant trinkets, broken bits of something, receipts, dodads, and whatnots find a home. Sometimes these things are tossed or shoved in the drawer because there’s no where else to put them. Sometimes they’re put there because you don’t want to lose whatever it is you’re stashing away, or you don’t want to forget it. Other times you want to keep it, but have no where in particular to put it. In any event, the items all share something–they’re important in some way to the owner of the drawer. They’re pieces of memories stashed away.

This week I want you to tell me who this woman is by what is in her “Junk Drawer.” Imagine that she went rifling through that drawer in a last ditch panic looking for her misplaced keys the morning this picture was taken, and she, instead, found something she had forgotten about. What was it that she found that is making her smile like that and changed her mood 180 degrees? (I assume I don’t have to say this, but, “and why”)

Janine was a busy woman, a recent graduate of teaching school she had just been given her very own classroom. The only problem is the job came very late in the summer so she had little time to prepare, so needless to say she was quite stressed out. And being stressed out in front of 30 or so 2nd Graders is usually not the best way to spend 8 hours of every work day. Complicating the matter is that she has just recently moved in with her boyfriend of several years. So to say that the fact that this morning she is looking all over for her keys and that she is already late for work, doesn't seem to help matters.

Janine has gone through all of her normal places where she has her keys, and her boyfriend has already left for work today so he can't help. Janine has gone back to check in the car and they are still not in there, so she decides the last resort before she has to call work and tell them she's going to be late. Janine runs back inside and goes for the last bastion of hope...the junk drawer. Janine pulls open the drawer and instead of the normal method of sifting she merely starting pulling things out. Pens fly everywhere as do loose sticks of chewing gum. Janine starts to realize exactly how many pennies she has and makes a mental note to stop at a Coinstar later, but still she is not seeing her keys. At the bottom of the drawer she sees a note dated today. She finds this peculiar as she pulls the note out with a sweet smile on her face. The note reads:

My dearest Janine, something told me that you would forget that you left your keys in the bathroom last night, so I figured I would leave this note for you because I knew it would be your last resort. If I am right and you are reading this, I hope you have that beautiful smile on your face. If I'm wrong and you remembered right away, then I will probably throw this note out as soon as I get home, so to avoid you giving me a hard time about it for years. Oh...by the way, would you turn around?
-David

Janine looks at the last sentence for a bit and the smile turns to mass confusion as she turns around to find David on one knee in front of her with her keys around his finger but a ring box in his hand. Janine just starts nodding before David can say anything and they embrace with Janine having tears stream down her face.

Turns out David had already called in for both himself and Janine, and took the keys from their normal spot and kept them in his pocket. Janine keeps that note in the bottom of her junk drawer to this day, this to put a smile on her face.

Frid.....H@CKZoRRZ.../.hack+3

2008-09-26T12:45:00.002-04:00

ATTENTION! RED ALERT! THERE HAS BEEN A SECURITY BREACH! NORMAL FRIDAY 5 BLOG HAS BEEN HACKED! PLEASE RESPOND ACCORDINGLY!

1. When did someone last break something of yours?
One of my friends came over once when he was hammered and fell essentially through my table in my living room

2. When did you last play hackysack, if ever?
Sadly, I don't believe I've ever played hackysack

3. What was your most dramatic haircut like?
Dramatic? Well there was the ever popular "Flap" i had in my younger years whihc would now oddly enough be called an emo cut or a Peter Petrelli (Season 1) but I also dyed my hair bright red around my college graduation

4. Hacking is basically breaking through the security that protects a computer or a website. What’s the closest you’ve come to doing something similar in real life?

I brought down NORAD with a laptop once just to prove a point...and get free adult entertainment channels

5. In the world of stand-up comedy, a hack is a comic who steals jokes from other comics. Have you ever known a hack in your own field?

Well I've been around people who will take credit for stuff that I've done and stuff that other people have done so that's essentially the same thing

HACK EMPLOYED! CODE NAME: PLUS 3 SOC MEDIA, BE ADVISED!

HACK 1. What brought you to Social Media and what keeps you hanging around?

What brought me to Social Media? The Wrestling Mayhem Show obviously

HACK 2. Which social networking tool gives you the shakes when it’s not updated or is experiencing down time? (Podcasts, Blogs, Micro-blogging, etc)

Podcasts, with as much as I use my iPod if I don't have new podcasts to listen to all the time I will lose my mind

HACK 3. What kind of insight could you offer to others on a topic at PCPGH3? If none, then what do you most want to hear more about?

Better ways on recording a podcast, using free software...sadly I won't be there

Don't blame me...the dog ate my first copy

2008-09-25T22:21:00.002-04:00

And now for this week’s homework challenge! Admittedly, y’all have done an amazing job with finding the folks in these images in your own version of their world. Some have been remarkably dark, others touching, and I’ve even seen a few responses that drew a chuckle or two. But don’t think this is going to be easy forever! I want you to exercise those creative muscles! Get those Muses off of their respective couches and working again! So I offer you the following:

Along with your regular responses to who this is and what is going on in the picture, be sure to address two things: 1) Is he/she coming back? and 2) Associate a song/audio with this image in some way. In other words, create the soundtrack for this moment.

Bobby Miller was a kid raised in the slums of Harlem by his single mom and his two older brothers. They all had to work several jobs in order to keep the run down rat's nest they lived in and to keep food on the table and electricity on in their lives. But since Bobby was much younger than his brother's and his mother kept pulling triple shifts to keep them afloat, Bobby was forced to learn to take care of himself.

The pocket change he earned from a paper route and being a delivery boy for a local deli he used on karate lessons. The streets are dangerous in Harlem and the later it gets the better prepared you had better be. Bobby worked very hard because it was how he was raised, he made the most of each and every karate lesson he able to afford and before not he was a very high level black belt. When Bobby wasn't in karate or trying to earn some money he was on the rooftops of his building, training his body to be a well trained machine like his sensei instructed. He would walk on his hands across the ledges of buildings and train himself to be invisible in the shadows. Bobby was turning himself into a highly skilled warrior, because he knew that eventually he would be getting night jobs, and night jobs in Harlem are dangerous.

Sure enough he did. His mother was now very old, and his brothers had moved away out of Harlem because they met girls, married them, and moved out of the old neighborhood. Bobby could hardly blame them, if he had his choice he'd use his martial arts skills to get out of the neighborhood that had only become more dangerous. But now he had to take care of his mother, who had worked so much of her life she couldn't support the family anymore. One night on his way home, Bobby knew he needed to get home earlier, because he wanted to make it in time to wish his mom a happy birthday before she went to sleep so he took what he thought was a shortcut. On this night Bobby went down the wrong alley.

There were a few junkies in the alley Bobby took and they all had knives. Normally one or two guys wouldn't have been a problem for Bobby, but there were more than that. They overwhelmed him, he fought them off for as long as he could, but these guys were desperate. They cut at him and beat him to the ground. They didn't kill him because after all, all they wanted was a fix. They stole his wallet and checking how much cash he happened to have on him at the time, assumed he had more. They ran off in the direction of his apartment as Bobby screamed and tried to follow them. It's hard to run with several stab wounds in your leg. Bobby knows something that the junkies don't...there's no money at his mom's place. When they find that out they aren't going to be happy so he's gotta get there as fast as possible.

But he's too late. When Bobby gets to his mom's place, it is set ablaze and the junkies are long gone. He can't even hear the screams on anyone in the building. It's such an old building no one thought of anything for a decent escape plan. Bobby drops to his knees crying out in anguish as the sounds of horns and sirens of fire engines are now flooding around him.

That was one year ago today. Ever since then Bobby has made it his life's mission to make sure that never happens to anyone again. Call him a hero if you want, he just doesn't want to be a victim again. He prowls the streets at night keeping watch on his city. Every night he throws his trench coat on and walks around the back alleys of Harlem and keeps an eye on everyone. His address is the streets now and thugs don't stand a chance when The Guardian Angel of Harlem is out.

Godsmack's "I Stand Alone" plays as Bobby throw on his coat and heads out onto the streets

This is what keeps me up at night.........Caution: Heavy Reading Ahead

2008-09-24T03:45:00.003-04:00

I want to star this blog off by apologizing because I am not in a right frame of mind right now so half of this may be rambling and incoherent but I just need to get my thoughts out and it's way too late to call anyone, and since this is supposed to be about my thoughts and musings.......here goes.

You know I've gone through a lot of my life with a smile on my face and my heart on my sleeve. I wear my feelings right out in the open for everyone to see and it's burned me more often than not. But what do you do when you lay awake every night thinking the same thoughts that you jsut aren't good enough..you just aren't smart enough...you just aren't lucky enough to get the things or people that you want.

I mean sure you can sit and think about it and tell someone all your deepest darkest feelings and your worst fears come to life and they can tell you that it's all a phase. They can tell you that things are going to get better and that you have to admit to yourself that they will.

But what if they don't?

No one ever has a good answer for that question, because they try and remain optimistic to keep your spirits alive.

But what if things don't turn around?

What if you think things are at their worst, and yet you still continue to sink lower...and lower still.

You know a couple years ago I was in a relationship, that I admit wasn't going anywhere. I realized that it was a bad thing for me to be in, and although it killed me to do it, I had to break it off. It was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, because I still cared for her but not in the way that she cared for me. And when I saw that look of sadness in her eyes and I knew that it was the last thing I wanted to do, it broke my heart. But I know it was still the right thing to do. And when I broke the news to my friends, everyone told me it was the right thing to do. Everyone told me that I would move on to bigger and better things. Within a matter of months, she was with someone new. And, they were already being intimate with each other. To be honest, and I know it sounds really petty...but that blew me away. To be honest it's still something that bothers me to my core.

I've never told her this...perhaps someday I will, but we had a four year relationship. Four years of our lives together, and it only takes her a few months to get back on the horse. I think I have a right to be more than little pissed off about that. Did the time we spent together mean absolutely nothing? Am I that easy to cast aside? Did any of it mean anything to her? I mean call me old fashioned, but I believe that the act of making love should be something that's reserved for people who are actually in love. But no...she finds the next guy and just hops in the sack with him. The best part about it is that she got pregnant, so now I feel like shit for even wanting to to give her shit about about this. Should I feel like shit for this? I'm not even sure, because I know her going through the pregnancy is a long and painful ordeal. But am I allowed to still feel the pain and hurt that I have in my heart because I feel like I was just cast aside as easily as a stone in a creek? I'd like to think so, but there's nothing I can do about it. However...the greatest part about this, was how I found out that she was with child. We were going to hang out once after we had broken up just as friends and because she wanted to visit some of her other friends that were graduating, so I assumed everything would be rather innocent.

Well you know that saying that assuming just makes an ass out of you and me...well it's dead on.

First she lays on the bombshell that she is pregnant and the douchebag she slept with already has a kid. And even all this I was "okay" with, I smiled and asked if there was anything she needed. I asked all about it and I was happy for her. In the back of my head, all these thoughts were forming, but let's be honest...I couldn't say them then. It's too much of a dickish thing to do and/or say. And there I thought that my night on unpleasentness and uncomfortableness was over. Boy was I wrong yet again. After an okay dinner...she begins to flirt with me. The mother of another man's child, and the woman who was more than willing to jump back into the sack only a few months, then tells me that she still loves me. How the fuck does she expect that will make me feel? Why would I even want to know that? Is she just trying to Jedi mind fuck me to death? Well mission a-fucking-ccomplished. Now not only do I not get any form of apology, which I feel I deserve but I get the exact opposite. Now don't get me wrong, I still stand by my decision to end our union, and I still know it was the best decision for me. But how is she able to say that to me and then move on to her life with ehr child and leave me this broken version of a man who hasn't even come anything close to having a real relationship since then.

I mean is it my own fault, that nothing in relation to the female gender has worked out since then? Do I persue the wrong people? Am I just not in the right places at the right times? Do I not take advantage of the things I should have? Or am I just destined to be alone? Am I destined just to be that nice guy that watches all of his friends around him get married and have children and have meaningful long lasting relationships while I sit on my fucking chair counseling those in relationships and getting out of relationships while my own heart is probably broken into so many pieces by now that I don't know if anyone can put it back togheter again?

I'm not saying that I don't want to be there for my friends, because I love my friends more than anything...but is it so wrong for me to want to be happy as well?

Is that so wrong?

I want someone to laugh with. I want someone to hold close at night. I want someone who will laugh at my jokes even when they aren't that funny. I want someone who will be there for me. I want someone to love. I want someone to love me back. I want someone to accept me as I am. I want someone who takes my faults and my imperfections. I just want someone who wants me for me. I want passion. I want desire. I want love.

Is that so wrong?

I'd like to think not.

Though it seems I may be asking too much. It seems like its too much for me to want to be happy. I've been trying to convince myself that nice guys don't finish last, the race is just longer for us...well I'm tired of running. Why can't the finish line come to me for once?

These are the thoughts that keep me up at night, this is why I havent't had a good night's sleep in almost a year. This is why I toss and turn. This is why I am throwing away osaked paper towels right now. This is why I look at some people who keep fucking up really good things that they have and yet seem to get more and more chances and just shake my head. This is why I look at some of my friends who get fucked over badly and think to myself hpow much better I could treat them. This is why I think to myself that a lot of the guys I know who are in relationships and treat their women like shit and want to grab them by the shoulders, shake them and scream at them to not fuck it up. Because they don't know how God damned good they have it. And I look at some of my friends and how they don't know how I see them through my eyes, and how I think they deserve the absolute best, how I never want anyone to hurt them, or to make them feel like there is anything wrong with them. But I can't do that...I can't wave my magic wand and make all their hurt and their pain go away, as much as I'd like to, even if it made me hurt more for doing it, I would.

So maybe I am destined to be alone...I don't know anymore. All I do know is that I'm rambling now and half of this probably won't make sense to me when I wake up, if I can get to sleep. So apologies again if you actually sat through and read this whole thing...I just needed to talk to someone and at this time of night the only one up is my computer monitor and the driver of the white van with candy (I swear I'll explain this joke eventually).

Into Every Life TV Must Fall...

2008-09-23T04:55:00.002-04:00

Greetings all 5 of you who actually probably bother to read my blog, but as per usual I am being an insomniac or simply just bored and I feel like telling you about shows that you should be watching this fall.

First off I'm going to start with the calendar days, starting with Sunday...and there are two shows you should somehow find time to watch, or cable to steal from to watch these two shows. Now of course Simpsons is coming back soon and so is Family Guy...but let's be honest if you aren't watching those shows now, there's nothing I can do to convince you. But I have one new show and one established show that you guys should check out.

True Blood

A new show from the amazing people at HBO about vampires living amongst humans in the South. Now when I first saw the previews for this I groaned a little bit and thought it would be just a constant one note joke about vampires and an excuse to show gratuitous nudity and such. But what the show actually hinders on is really an interesting take on segregation similar to how X-Men deals with it. Extraordinary people living amongst humans and being persecuted for it, always an interesting concept. The only real established star in the show is Anna Paquin as the lead role of Suki who has become smitten with one of the vampires (who by all accounts I've heard is "hot"....ladies) and the trouble they each get into with their own kind. I'm not completely sold on the show yet as its only had two episodes, but it looks promising thus far.

Entourage

Yet another show from HBO worth your attention is Entourage. The reason for watching Entourage can be summed up in two words: Jeremy Piven. Anyone who is a fan of Piven from movies like PCU or Old School or remember him from Ellen but wish he would really get a spotlight role...this is it. Ari Gold is a fucking legend. Just Youtube Ari Gold and if you don't want to watch this show after five minutes of watching him in action...may God have mercy on your soul.

Moving onto Mondays, I'm going to throw out the obvious plug for Raw because its been a staple of my Monday nights since 1993, and although some shows may push it to a later viewing via DVR (see below) it always holds a special place in my heart. But first, we travel to CBS.

The Big Bang Theory

This was a show I didn't watch until half way through the season last year when it debuted but got turned onto it by one of my best friends, and I am so glad she did. This show is what geeks crave. The premise is simple a pair of geeky friends have a stupidly hot girl move in across the hall from them, hilarity ensues as they learn to interact with females. Then you throw in a few cast mates from the amazing show Roseanne, and you have comedy gold wrapped in aluminum foil, just waiting to be enjoyed nightly. The jokes are sophmoric in nature but graduate school in delivery and as long as you can keep up and release your inner nerd, it works flawlessly.

How I Met Your Mother

This show speaks for itself upon one viewing and to be honest there is only one word to sum it up: legendary.

Plus Neil Patrick Harris and Bob Saget are in it, do you really need more information than that? Watch it.

Oh yeah, there's one other show that has basically blown my mind more times than I care to count...

If you left the show, come back...it misses you, it needs to feed...because this show is back in a big bad way ladies and gentlemen. If you've never seen it, G4 aires repeats of it, and so does NBC.com, and there are other sites that web saavy people like yourselves can catch up on. This show is phenominal in all forms and fashions, bank on it.

Tuesdays and Wednesdays are night you should not be watching TV (except for perhaps ECW) because of the Wrestling Mayhem Show and Level 5, a new Heroes podcast coming to a blogtv feed near you.

But Thursday is the time for a not yet tight-wearing superhero to get through his final tasks as the last season of Smallville is upon us. The journey of young Clark Kent is almost over and now that Lex Luthor has bitten the dust (?) and Supergirl is stuck (?) in the Phantom Zone, and Lana has left Clark for seemingly the final time, the real Superman mythology should be taking place. He has a job at the Daily Planet, and he seems to have a nice little group of Superfriends. This should be a really interesting season.

And Fridays there isn't really much to speak for except for watching The Brian Kendrick on Smackdown. So that's pretty much what occupies my DVR for the week, if there's any otehr show you think I should be checking out or any shows you want to thank me for exposing you to, feel free to comment.

Peace out kiddies.

Friday 5: Amenals?

2008-09-19T08:41:00.002-04:00

YAR!!! Although me be greatly disappointed that Ye Olde Friday 5 has nothing to do with pirates, it still be time to answer these questions 5.

1. What’s the cutest of the small, furry animals?

YAR that obviously be me little puppy known by the name of Rocky. He be a little ball of fur and adorableness.

2. What predator impresses you the most?

Well that be another easy one me mateys, that obviously be the lion. There be a reason he be called the king of the jungle.

3. After which animal will you name your professional sports team?

Har me mateys, that be The Parrots because we be talking a lot of trash to landlubbers all across the seven seas.

4. What’s an unusual animal that you know a little something about?

Alas I'm not really what ye would call Jane Goodall but I do know a thing or two about the great apes that roamed this planet many moons ago.

5. Your high school probably had some kind of mascot or symbol, but based on your memories of it, what animal should REALLY have been the emblem?

Yar, that'd probably be an anteater simply because high school sucked, see even on Talk Like A Pirate Dat I can get me a witty pun or two out there.

Like most Homework ever, this is probably late

2008-09-17T13:28:00.003-04:00

This week’s assignment is not just a mere “What’s going on here?” exercise. Who are these men? What are they talking about? Whatever history you choose to include, only one thing is required: What bit of information is causing the look on the one man’s face?

Bob and Jasper have been friends for years, they have been through thick and thin together. They've worked together, they've been each other's best man at their weddings, they're kids and grandkids are all really close friends. In short they are the best of friends and talk about everything together, especially outside the stoop of the former factory where they met. This conversation is one they seem to have all the time, however. Jasper is pretty grounded about most things, but this one incident still sticks with him. Below is an excerpt of their conversation.

Jasper: You think you know someone...I mean my God.

Bob: Are we still on about this?

Jasper: Why yes we are, old friend. Don't tell me you didn't feel horribly betrayed too.

Bob: I did, but Jasper that happened years ago. You need to let some things go.

Jasper: I can't do it, Bob. I mean.....I loved her.

Bob: No you didn't, Jasper. You barely knew her...besides, after things turned out....you know that's impossible.

Jasper: Well okay, maybe that was a bit much...but still we both cared about her.

Bob: I was more or less just playing along for your sake. I always sensed something was different about her.

Jasper: But did you know what secret she really had?

Bob: Of course not! Believe me, once I found out I questioned everything about myself.

Everything. My marriage, my life, my kids, my grandkids. Everything.

Jasper: You and me both friend. She...she...she just seemed so trustworthy. I thought she was one of the good guys...I thought she was one of us.

Bob: Heh, heh, heh.

Jasper: Why are you laughing?

Bob: She turned out to be more like us than you think, Jasper.

Jasper: Are you saying I'm not trustworthy?

Bob: You know exactly what I'm saying, don't make yourself out to be a martyr on this one. You got fooled...we all did.

Jasper: But I mean...

Bob: Jasper, it's okay...you can say it.

Jasper: You're right...it's time I finally admitted it......Finkle....is...Einhorn......and Einhorn....is...Finkle......

Jasper sobs uncontrollably into his arms as Bob puts his arm around his best friend

You've Got Questions...

2008-09-13T03:29:00.002-04:00

We've got MANswers? Really?

As I was trying to stay away from the abomination that is TNA, I saw a commercial for something that not only made me ashamed of my gender but of society in general. Now Spike TV I understand that you are a channel with very few actual real television shows, and you are simply here to appeal to the male gender's most basic naturalistic desires: sex and violence.

The shows they have on their network are TNA Impact (which I guess is supposed to appeal to guys), Pros vs. Joes, all forms of UFC programming, and any number of muscle cars or animal attack shows. Also last, but not least...the show MANswers.

In case you haven't heard of this show, the idea of the show is that it takes questions all men have but would never ask aloud and answers them through the medium of bikini clad models and midgets. After doing a bit of research the questions that this show feels is what's on the tip of all men truly truly frightens the shit out of me.

The first season of this show (yes, they've been renewed) has had such wonderful topics as: "How to tell the difference between a dealer and a narc?" "How to tell if she's a hooker or a cop?" "Fake breasts or real breasts: Who's hornier?" "Safest way to get hit by a car." and "How to bust out of handcuffs."

Now...these are just some of my personal favorites, believe me there are others. And yes, they are all completely ridiculous. Now I'm not exactly sure what to make of this because not only have I never asked any of these questions to myself, even when very inebriated, but I don't think I've ever heard any of these discussed by anyone. Does this make me less of a man, or less of a moron? I'm going to go with the latter. But if these are the questions that enough people actually tune in to find out the answers to, then there is no real question over the debate of the battle of the sexes. Sorry boys, we lose.

I've always been under the impression that women have been the dominant gender anyway, but this show MANswers really proves it to me. I can just picture the kind of beer swilling, frat boys that will sit around the TV before talking about how many skanks they are going to bang while watching MANswers and high-fiving each other when the over-masculine announcer announces exactly how to take a stripper home with you (yet another winner topic) while showing a female stripping to practically nothing.

And to reassure people that with their second season they haven't sold out and actually posed intelligent questions, here are the challenging topics they plan on tackling on their season premiere:
Can you freeze your farts and smell them later?
What animal can give you an erection for hours?
What country's army pays for fake boobs?

For shame MANswers, for shame.

Friday 5: Embrace the Random

2008-09-12T18:25:00.002-04:00

Who lets you have your way more than you should?
My folks probably....
According to the cliche, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but what’s the way to yours?
Oh there are many ways to my heart, as it's been enlarged from all the hamburgers I eat :)
What’s something that should have been put away but hasn’t been?
The clothes I wore last nigth that are still on the floor.
When did you last weigh yourself?
I don't like scales....they're never calibrated right
What do the cops in the donut shop say? :D
I'd like a strawberry frosted and a box o' joe

Avoiding the Obvious Orange Joke Title

2008-09-05T12:46:00.006-04:00

1. What’s your favorite orange-colored food? It's probably a very close tie between baby carrots and crunchy cheese curls

2. What’s the best way to drink orange juice? Two words: crazy straw

3. Which candy’s orange-colored pieces taste best? Yeah there's really only one answer here.....crispy M&M's

4. What are your feelings about orange soda? Same as Kel's

5. When did you last wear an orange item of clothing? I actually have an orange shirt that say 8 Bit player on it, which is pretty awesome I probably wore it a week or so ago

A Letter to 15-year-old Mad Mike

2008-09-01T01:20:00.002-04:00

Okay, recently I was helping Miss Ashley Hoover pick out a song for her father's wedding and in doing so it brought me back many years (roughly 10 to be exact) in some of the songs I was looking at/listening to on my iPod. That and I've been watching a lot of Heroes time traveling stuff, Back to the Future, Bill and Ted, and just realized that ten years ago today...I was just starting high school. (Yes, that is a very scary thought for me) So I decided to take what I know now and sort of write a letter to my 15 year old self.

Dear Mike,

Okay now I know you will never get to read this because even if by some form of crazy Disney-esque time travel internet device, this letter makes its way to that crappy little computer loaded with Virtual Simpsons, you'll be too busy making fun of people in AOL Chat rooms to notice...but here goes nothing.

Okay let's face facts...grade school pretty much sucked for you man. Don't get mad, it sucked for most people. Granted you may not realize that now, but you will in time...trust me I know, I've asked around. Now I'm gonna get this out in the open now, some things I can tell you are gonna make you upset, some things are going to make you happy, and some things you're not going to be able to change....well at least not yet. I'm still waiting for the letter from 35-year-old Mike, I assume he has the technology in 2018, unless again the Jetsons have lied to us.

First, I'm going to get something out of the way that will cheer you up, because I know your situation with the ladies isn't really that great, you will lose your virginity by age 20. Breathe easy boy, and you're better at it than you think you will be. At least as far as I know. By the way, in case I forget...start writing more, maybe try the newspaper at Lourdes, it will lead you to some interesting places. But yeah so as far as women go, some things will improve but I'm sorry to say not for a while. You're gonna go through a lot of heartbreak and heartache. It sucks but trust me you are better off in the long run, I've seen what some of the crushes you have now have become. However there are somethings that won't change, or at least haven't yet. You still fall hard and fall fast for some women, usually very unavailable, and yes they will eventually become some of your best friends. One of the things I did inherit from you is your residency in the friend zone...don't worry I've moved some of my stuff out, but I'm still crashing there a lot. Just keep your chin up boy, remember nice guys don't finish last....it's just a longer race for us.

Okay moving on to other things, keep in mind that at least 90% of the people you are about to meet in high school you will never hear from again after college. Don't let them know this, it would just upset them especially when they all write KIT in your yearbook and write their numbers or say "we'll chill this summer." Yeah, it's all posturing bullshit...but at least the sentiment is nice. So while you're there try some new things, I mean they are supposed to be the best years of your life...may as well enjoy them. Some things are going to take their natural course, like Dad forcing you to get a job....but don't worry it's an awesome one. You'll like it, definitely better than CYO Basketball snackroom boy. If I were you I'd give sports a try, not track and field I mean let's be realistic here. But give soccer and basketball a try....hell maybe even football, everyone always tells me I'm built like a lineman, and I know you are too.

Also, sorry man, this is going to hurt.....you gotta change that hair. The "flap" isn't really the "it" style anymore, it's holding you back if anything. Regardless of what Mom says, the hair looks much better short...and the ladies love it. Also as far as clothes go, I'd throw out anything that has any sort of shiny aspect to it. Yes I know you love your Dragonball Z silky button down shirt with Goku on it...but trust me on this one, reserve it for geekfests only. Oh yeah, one more thing...corduroy does not look good on us. Yeah...really.

College is a different story though, though a lot of it seems like high school with booze and no dress code, it really is a much different experience. First off...yes you drink. You like to drink...sometimes a lot. And when someone later in life mentions a fishbowl, do not turn it down. It is nectar of gods. And yes there are some people that like wrestling there and dare I say will watch it with you. Also again...stick with the newspaper thing, it will serve you well in the long run, probably the reason I'm actually writing this letter to you right now. Your friends in college are a lot different from your friends in high school, you do hang out with much more of them even after you all move to various parts of the five boroughs and beyond. By the way, you do live in New York City, and your place is awesome. College is a lot tougher than high school academic-wise so ease up on the video games a bit...or at least attempt to. But overall, I'd say it's a rewarding experience. I've certainly learned a lot about myself and I am imparting this knowledge onto you...though by the time you actually do get to write this, it will all be too late again. But I think I've let out enough spoilers for you, however I'll leave you with a few little nuggets of info, especially things you may be confused about.

If you ever need help with anything, Mom and Dad will always be there for you.
Erika becomes less annoying over time...kinda.
Women become more confusing over time.
Don't resort to violence in living situations...remember just outwit them with your cunning and razor wit.
You still have your razor wit...just don't laugh at your own material.
Masturbating does not make you go blind.
Go to Pittsburgh when the time is right, there are some amazing people there.
What happens in Vegas, becomes stories of legend...despite what you may have heard.
Stop worrying about prom nights, very overrated if you ask me.
Don't drink rum...stick with vodka.
Calling someone "sir" is now no longer simply a sign of respect.
I'm still a relatively happy, well adjusted man, so you aren't screwing things up too much...no matter how hard it seems sometimes.
Wear sunscreen. (this is a joke you'll get by the time you're a senior)

And well this one is something I'm still trying to do myself....if you feel something, express it. Don't hold it inside, don't wait, don't let the moment pass you by, because sometimes Mike....you'll never get another shot at that moment, and you'll never know what could have happened.

Take care of myself Mike. See me in ten years.

-You

Friday 5: Stickiness

2008-08-29T23:30:00.002-04:00

1.What was the last song that stuck in your brain and wouldn’t go away?

Handlebars.....it's in my brain and it won't leave but I like it that way

2.What’s something that sticks around long after you wish it would leave?
Memories of ex-girlfriends...

3.To what use did you put your last sticky note?
When I was at work I'd use them all the time for sample numbers

4.When did you last have Pixy Stix?
At Aidan's birthday party and oh man are they excellent (for the record, Aidan is my buddy Alicia's 4 year old son)

5.What is something you are a stickler for?
I don't know I don't think I'm really a stickler for anything....

Friday 5 is as Friday 5 does...

2008-08-23T13:11:00.002-04:00

1. What’s something really, really stupid you’ve done that could easily have resulted in your own death

My own death? Probably driving when I was really tired about a year or so ago....never a good idea.

2. What makes you feel stupid?

Anytime I go off on a little rant or tangent and it turns out the whole basis of my argument was flawed from the start.

3. What’s something that’s stupid in a very smart way?

Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Homestar Runner

4. What’s an example of a stupid idea working out in a way that solved a problem?

When I was looking for a place of my own I relied on someone who isn't exactly reliable on leaving her place and when she didn't I ended up with the place I have now at a far reduced rate, so I'd say everything worked out for the best.

5. There is apparently a brand of packaged popcorn called Smartfood. What might be found in the package labeled Stupidfood?

2 Fishbowls.....

Teenage? Check. Mutant? Check. Turles? Check. Ninja? Ninja...really?

2008-08-21T16:46:00.004-04:00

Okay, before this post commences I would like to thank Miss Ashley Hoover (Listen to her at wjyy.com weeknights at 7 PM.....cheap plug) for the idea for this blog, even though she didn't know what can of worms she opened in my head.

The can of worms happened one night in college when my friend Danny and I were very bored and my roommate Joe was busy listening to his music. I had recently received the first six episodes of one of my favorite shows of all time: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We decided to pull out some alcohol and watch all the episodes and analyze them with a critical mind, just to see if the show holds up.

Fortunately the show more than holds up despite the corniness of it...however in analyzing it, we realized how naive we were as youngsters. The first episode alone provides so many points of questioning that I would love to know how we bought it as kids. First off, the entire premise of the TMNT is a bit interesting and hard to swallow.

As Splinter explains their origin he tells April that "I knew the outside world would consider them freaks, so I trained them in the art of ninjitsu" (no I didn't need to turn on the DVD to get the exact quote, I'm just that cool/nerdy). Now the question I posed is why exactly would four walking, talking turtles knowing ninjitsu make them any less freaky to the outside world? I mean although they would be able to defend themselves, what other reason would Splinter have to teach them ninjitsu other than it was really the only skill he had? Keeping that in mind, why keep them in a big city atmosphere like New York in the first place? Wouldn't it be much more convenient to move them all to a place where at least there was a most hospitable life style for the turtles to acclimate themselves to?

There are a whole array of other questions I could ask about the turtles and their archnemesis Shredder. Such as how exactly do the turtles pay for pizza delivery? How does Shredder have cameras with perfect audio and video located on every street corner and even in the sewers of New York City, yet he still can't seem to find the turtles lair? With all the tunnels that the Technodrome and the transport modules have dug under the city, wouldn't there be long standing damage? Or how about the subway lines, wouldn't there be huge gaping holes in most of the lines?

I guess what I'm trying to get at by this very simple example, is to not believe everything you see on TV, no matter how pure you think it is. This could apply to the news, politics, drama seris, anything...just always remember to keep questioning and keep learning, to make yourself a better person. Now if you'll excuse me, tonight I dine on turtle soup.

Friday 5: Waste Not, Want Not?

2008-08-16T03:31:00.002-04:00

1. What did you last replace batteries for?

My camera for the Yankee game I went to tonight, awesome seats despite the Yanks picking up an L (don't snicker too much Ashley)

2. What have you thrown away that you probably could have had repaired?

My last watch, just got a new one exactly like it...calculator watches ftw

3. Among items in your line of sight right now, what should probably be put in the trash?

My backstage pass to TNA that I was never able to use...

4. When did you last use disposable cutlery while dining in your house?

Oh wow.....haven't used it in a long time. I don't think I even use it when I order out.

5. Whose actions cause you to waste time you otherwise wouldn’t waste?

Probably the people who write out the friday5 questions each week. ;)

Silence is golden?

2008-08-11T19:22:00.002-04:00

It's not often that I get inspiration for a blog from a Myspace survey, but that's what happened last night.

The question posed was what was the last word you said aloud?

Seems like an easy one right? Well not for someone who lives alone. Every time I see something like that I realize how little I talk out loud when I'm at home. I mean I still have loads of conversations with a bunch of friends and everything but 90% of them are done through the series of tubez known as the internet.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this seemingly lack of oral communication that seems to happen from time to time. I mean sure I could scream at video games or the television but it does kinda seem a bit odd because when you enunciate yourself aloud, you are usually looking for a response of some form and living alone, there is no one to fill that void.

Is this some form of saying that phone conversations have now become passe? Back when I was a little kid, anytime you wanted to talk to a friend or something like that you had to use the rotary dial phone and get the phone with the extra long cord and pull it into a room where no one else could hear your secret conversations (I'm really dating myself here I realize). But these days, you have so many forms of soundless communication. Texts messages, instant messaging services, twitter, even blogs have almost supplanted the subtle science of the spoken word.

I'm not sure if this has any cultural relevance to how the human family has evolved or anything like that...and I'd have time to think about it, but my phone is sending em twitters left and right so I guess I'll cut it off here for now.

......See what I did there?

Have a good week kids.

Friday 5: Let's go to the Movies!

2008-08-08T16:32:00.002-04:00

In Citizen Kane, the main character’s last word before dying is “Rosebud,” which is discovered later to be the name of a favorite childhood sled. The idea is that this rich, powerful, hated man, in his last moment, finds himself thinking of happy, innocent times. If the film were about your life, what word might you utter in similar sentiment?

Wow, that's a tough call. I mean how does one who doesn't turn into an evil corrupt individual summarize innocence and happiness into one word especially if you still feel at least mostly that way now? I guess I'd have to go with something extremely random from my childhood that always makes me smile, how about "Technodrome."? Worst case scenario, I could always make up a word and then just have some people spend the rest of their lives trying to decipher it. That would be a lot of fun.

In Groundhog Day, the main character is forced to live the same day again and again until he has learned to love others and to love himself. If you found yourself in an endless loop, living one day repeatedly until you learned the lesson that was holding you back, what would that lesson be?

Sweep the leg.

In Freaky Friday, a mother and daughter who have difficulty understanding each other find themselves each living the other’s life (occupying the other’s body and everything!). If this were to happen to you for similar reasons, whose body would you wake up in?

Anyone else's shoes? Derek Jeter....without the VD.

In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones has to jump into an underground room filmed with the one thing that freaks him out: snakes. “Why did it have to be snakes?” he asks. If the movie were about you, what would you see in the underground room?

Klan members

In Sideways, the main character is asked to explain his love for wine made from a certain grape. As he describes the grape, we realizes he is also describing himself, saying that it must be carefully tended and that it is easily damaged. If the film were about you, what passion (hobby, food, collectible, or activity, for example) would you describe and how would you describe it so that you were also describing yourself?

I'm gonna say professional wrestling. It's certainly a passion of mine, and it really encompasses everything. At times wrestling can get stale, seeing the same matches over and over again can get boring much like life sometimes. But there is also passion, drama, excitement, horror, almost any human emotion you can feel can be felt in wrestling. It's the male version of a soap opera with a lot of athleticism thrown into the mix. At times you can feel like the Macho Man when he married Miss Elizabeth at Summerslam 92, or you can feel like Chris Jericho at Wrestlemania 20 when Trish made out with Christian. Sometimes you can be as noble as John Cena, or as vicious as Kane when his mask was removed. Any true fan of wrestling can parallel any aspect of their life with some storyline or character or gimmick in pro wrestling. And apparently I can too.

YOOOOOOU'RE FIIIIIIIIRED!!!

2008-08-06T00:08:00.002-04:00

Fired.

Let go.

Released.

Canned.

Sacked.

Outsourced.

We wish you luck in your future endeavors.

Well whichever term you like, that's my current state right now.

It's an odd feeling, a feeling that I personally have never experienced in my life before, and a state in my life that I haven't been in roughly since I was in 9th Grade. I am unemployed with no discernible sense of income for the time being. When I was in 9th Grade I started my first ever job: working at Toys R Us. It seemed like the perfect fit at the time. It was a part time gig, got to essentially make my own hours, and I got a sweet discount and was able to get all the prime toys. I got to experience a lot, got to work with kids and make them laugh, and best of all, it provided immediate job satisfaction. The look of joy on a parent's or child's face when you got them exactly what toy they were looking for made that job worth every minimum wage dollar, and it was the reason I would go back during college specifically during the Christmas rush.

And my second job was another part time deal that I did during off hours at Toys R Us which was tutoring some of my friends during high school. I was lucky enough to be the guy that could (at least seemingly) fit in with any clique in high school, so when the cheerleaders needed help in math, chem, bio, basically any subject I was the one they turned to for help. Needless to say, that wasn't too bad of a gig either.

College was quite kind to me career wise as well. Sure, I could have just as easily gone back to Toys R Us but I started to pad my resume at IBM with several internships. I went back and forth between the two IBM site back home and made some good money from it. But to be honest, none of the careers there really seemed to click with me. I'm not sure if I just didn't get enough time to really get to work there considering each session was only three months, or if I was simply distracted for the most part. But I was only mildly peaked by two out of the four internships there.

Right after I graduated college, I had another internship for IBM, but more than that I also had another job coming my way that I had a lot of fun with. I became the organic lab assistant for my Alma mater Manhattan College. Now granted, I was just starting my graduate school so this job wasn't going to be anything permanent but it enabled me to stay busy, learn more about chemistry and make a lot of really cool friends. The best part about that job was being able to actually help kids learn organic chemistry. And a lot of the kids there were really cool just to hang out with and chill, many of them I'm still friends with today. And they all say that the organic classes when I was there they learned a lot more and had a lot more fun at the same time, and in the long run isn't that really what it's all about.

As my grad classes neared their conclusion I knew the inevitable would come. I had to eventually find a job. So, the interview process began. My classic suit was donned over and over again for interviews, career fairs, and other such related things in order to sell my services to any company out there that would take me. I finally landed at Wyeth Pharmaceuticals. I never saw myself in pharmaceuticals before, but then again I never really knew what kind of profession I saw myself in. But when I got there, I made a whole bunch of really good friends and I gained a lot of experience both internally about the field and about myself. They helped me pay off for most of the rest of my Master's degree and I was able to get a lot of good knowledge from everyone there. And then this past Monday, I was brought in to my second line manager's office and promptly told to pack my shit and go.

And now here I sit.

Basically with nothing to do for work for the first time since 9th grade.

And part of me really wants to get right back out there and get interviewing again and to find something bigger and better.

But for now...I am sort of looking forward to just taking a well-deserved break.

Friday Five: Delayed Due to Mayhem

2008-08-03T12:13:00.004-04:00

1. Of television programs that aired before you were born, what’s your favorite?

Hmmm aired before I was born, well I really enjoyed Get Smart. I would watch it all the time when it was on Nick at Night. I loved the sheer humor of it and Don Adams was hilarious. Also when I was really little I used to fall asleep to reruns of I Love Lucy and the Honeymooners, both fantastic shows.

2. What person of historical significance was from your neighborhood or city?

I know Samuel F. B. Morse grew up around my area and former President Frankin Delano Roosevelt I think did too.

3. What’s a story that’s often been told about someone in your family in the years before you came along?

Probably the first time my dad met my mom, is really the most often heard story. My dad was a big drinker back in the day. And when he met my mom at a bar he was (as he puts it) more than three sheets to the wind. And apparently he was talking to my mom for so much that my mom kind of got annoyed with him because of how drunk he was. And my dad said he wouldn't stop talking to her until he got her number. Apparently my mom hadn't heard the little trick of giving out fake numbers then, so she gave him her number. My dad, being as drunk as he was didn't want to forget it, so he went right out to his mom's car, pulled out a Sharpee and wrote her number on the dashboard. My dad then drove home (which he reminds me every time not to do) and my grandmother screamed at him in the morning. My dad thought something happened to the car because he doesn't remember parking and such. But then my grandmother asked who's number that was scrawled on her dashboard. My dad said it was the girl he's going to marry.

Yeah us Rohrssen men are real romantics. ;)

4. Which of previous generations’ dumb mistakes (in deed or thought) baffles you the most?

Well, if I had to pick one thing I'd say slavery is probably the biggest and most colossal blunder any nation has ever done.

5. What aspect of life in the good old days would you love to see a return to?

I wish children were more innocent nowadays. I mean I'm not saying that kids shouldn't be informed of more adult topics and things of that nature, but I never walked around school and had my friends in 3rd and 4th grade own short shorts with "Juicy" written on the ass. I mean I don't think I was that naive where some of my pop idols were taking barely clothed myspace pictures of each other. I mean we never heard of a Zachary Ty Bryan sex tape or Larisa Oleynik getting pregnant. I think it is just that adults these days have tried to censor so many things about pop culture that it has overhyped the sex drives of kids today where they dress like complete whores and don't notice it.

*As always, the Friday 5 questions were taken from Friday5.org. If you join the fun, be sure to let me know so I can add you to the link list! And don’t forget to send those questions in that you’re itching for us to answer! Don’t worry, we’ll gladly pimp your blog for the effort.

I lost a bet....

2008-08-01T19:35:00.003-04:00

The Boston Red Sox have finally ditched that dreadlocked piece of dead weight Manny Ramirez and have taken the final step towards repeating in the World Series.

Yes that's right, I said ditching Manny Ramirez will help the Sox win the World Series. You see the Red Sox pretty much had all the pieces aligned, but with Manny being Manny it is costing them a distraction. What happened in the 2006 season? Manny "decided" he was hurt and stopped playing when he realized he wanted more money and those damn Yankees won the division again and we didn't even get to the damn playoffs. And now the ship seemed to right itself again with the best closer in the history of the game on our team now and a core of young pitching plus a golden goose brought from the rising sun, we won the World Series yet again by sweeping up what was left of Rocktober.

Yes indeed, and if it wasn't for David Tyree putting superglue on his helmet Beantown would have had the best year in the history of sports, but now we come to this year and it's not cute Manny being Manny anymore, it's Manny being an asshole. He is a 10-year-old child trapped in a multimillionaire's body. I mean going into the hallowed green monster to take a leak, answering a cell phone on the field, high-fiving someone in the stands....how much do we pay this guy?

But now, Mr. Ex-Manager of the Enemy...he is your problem. And the great city of Boston can move on to destroy the Wannabe Rays and the Evil Empire. Because you see now we have Jason Bay, a guy who will help lead the team to numerous World Series' and he'll be hitting right there with Big Papi who is getting his swing back to form just like the Papi who crushed the hopes and dreams of all the Yankee fans in 2004. The Rays who we let get a head start will come back into our hallowed hall (one that isn't getting torn down...New York, heh heh) and we will give them a spanking like the young upstarts they are. Then we'll head down to the Trop and show them what happens when you get to the second half of the baseball year and your deal without the Devil finally falls flat. So keep those tickets for the Halloween show at Sea World down there, because I'm afraid you won't be as busy as you'd like to be in October.

And now this leads me to the Chokees. Listen up boys, if you think guys named Ponson and Marte are going to be saviors for your season, then you are sadly mistaken. In case you have a short memory we still have the greatest postseason starting pitcher in history, a guy younger than anyone on your roster who has beaten cancer and pitched a no-hitter for God's sake, and one of the greatest clutch hitters of all time. And you have Mr. Madonna, Juiced-on Giambi, your STD filled shortstop, Sour Melk, your new guy Xavier Nada, Lil' Pudgy, leftovers from Philly, and oh yeah that closer we always hit clutch hits off of....greatest of all time my ass, oh yeah and not to mention the only played on your team we actually used to have respect for is injured for the first time in his career, way to fuck that one up Girardi. By the way, Joba....the Youk's on you next time, you chubby cheeked bastard. Have fun floundering in obscurity Chokees, because when you stare up I-95 you will see a new stat. Championships since 2001 Sawks: 3 Chokees: zip.

Suck it New York, suck on our cawks.

Worktime Randomness Version 2.0

2008-07-30T08:13:00.004-04:00

Superpowers are an interesting topic of conversation. They can really give someone an insight into how that person truly wishes they could act. If you want to know a lot about that person, ask them if they could have any superpower what would it be.

Sure comic books geeks like myself may overanalyze and try to come up with some sort of power that has multiple uses that have been defined before in some sort of comic universe (i.e. using telekinesis can also give you the ability to fly is you focus on moving yourself) and maybe that's an indictment that the geeks of the world have to try and take as much as they can if given something.

Let's take a look at someone who would choose super strength. Now granted, like most superpowers, super strength would come in handy. Being able to move objects no mortal should be able to move is something which man has been trying to replicate for eons with simple designs like fulcrums and levers to complex thing like cranes and other construction equipment. But why would someone choose super strength? Most likely they would associate the strength with someone such as Superman...but the only difference is, who would actually use a super strength gift for doing good deeds in the world? My bet is that people who would take super strength fall into the realm of two different people. The first would be the bully you knew growing up. The guy who always believed that as long as he could beat someone up he could win any arguement put in front of him. Now the second would be the exact opposite of that, the kid who got beat up in grade school. The bullies of the world generally aren't too intelligent and believe that the strength is just a natural extension of their presumed awesomeness, but the guy that got bullied...well therein lies something darker, more dangerous than any bully. You see the bullied kids are really the ones you have to be afraid of because, when we are young a lot of how we deal with things are instilled in us during our formidable years in grammar school and even high school. If a kid who is constantly bullied all the time is the typical kid like that, they won't stand up against the bully...because of fear of getting their ass kicked again. Thus a lot of pent up hostility builds inside this person, and unless they have maybe a proper outlet for it (i.e. some sort of outdoor activity or even a real violent video game) it can cause a serious problem. Now take that child, and give him the strength of 1,000 bullies and see exactly what he does with it. I can almost guarantee that it wouldn't be pretty. In fact, make matters worse and put that kid back in high school, and see what would happen. I, for one, would make sure I was friends with the kids who were bullied...just to be on the safe side. Now I know what you are thinking, what about heroes like Superman and Spider-man, who had superhuman strength in high school? There are obvious exceptions to the rule and I'm not saying every kid that is bullied would turn into a crazed roid rage freak, but even the good kids like Peter Parker and Clark Kent had their moments where they would use only a slight hint of their strength to embarrass a Flash Thompson type bully. So not everyone is perfect.

Anyone who would choose invisibility is quite frankly a pervert. They just want to be able to sneak into places that they aren't allowed (i.e. locker rooms, dressing rooms, etc.) Anyone who says anything to the contrary is a liar.

Telepathy is also an interesting choice. I mean who wouldn't want to know what someone is thinking, especially if you were say, a lawyer, or someone who's relationship was falling apart or something akin to that. But telepathy is quite possibly one of the most dangerous abilities to have. Look at Charles Xavier, for instance. Professor X is probably one of the most powerful characters in the entire Marvel Universe simply because he can enter anyone's mind he wishes, barring a specially designed helmet (i.e. Magneto and Juggernaut) and do whatever he wishes. If Xavier simply just wanted to find out what you were holding in a game of Hold 'Em or make you think you were a pretty ballerina, he could do it without moving a muscle. Granted Xavier is an enlightened enough individual to not let these abilities of his go to his head, but someone like Matt Parkman from Heroes...well let's just say that he isn't as noble. This is one of the reason I think Heroes is such an amazing show as it really takes the flaws that normal humans have and show how they can abuse their gifts for their own well being. Matt can force someone to talk in an interrogation room. Claire can fake dying to make a drunk cheerleader rival seem crazy. Hiro can time travel to try and fix anything that has gone wrong in his life. And Peter...well he can basically do whatever the fuck he wants. You know in hindsight as I'm writing this, maybe Heroes was the reason I decided to go off on the evils that could happen if you ask someone what superpower they would have.

As for me...I've given this a lot of thought, but my superpower would be always able to find a terrific parking spot.

Sports movies are a lot of fun to watch...but not terribly realistic. For instance, I've still never been able to tell if Henry Rowengartner and Rick Vaughn were starters, middle relievers, or closers. And believe me I've seen these movies a lot. Also why does it always seem that the starters we've been picked to cheer for (i.e. Chet Stedman or Tony Danza) can always seemingly pitch complete games. I mean there's never an interesting cut scene looking for a guy to eat up two or three innings even when a loss is assured for the team, or no setup guys or closers warming in the pen. That being said, I'm going to do something that's a bit weird. I'm going to have a fantasy sports draft...not for any sport in particular, just a top ten list if you will of who I would pick for any various sports teams that I would be running.

1. Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez - Yeah Benny is my number one draft pick simply because the man can do no wrong on a Sandlot. He can play every position and can literally find any spot in the outfield he wants to hit a ball to. Plus he crushed the guts out of a ball...you have to respect the Jet Power.

2. Adam Sandler - Now I know Adam is a real person, but I'm talking just his general body of work in movies. He won big games for The Mean Machine and the Bourbon Bowl for the Mud Dogs, the man is an avid golfer with a huge drive, and a very mediocre hockey player. He can apply a really tight sleeper hold, has coached peewee basketball, plus he seems to have an extensive martial arts and boxing background, and he kills mother fuckers on a dodgeball court. If there was ever truly a new Bo Jackson, Adam Sandler would be it....and oh yeah he could also sing at halftime.

3. Air Bud - No one will tackle a dog or be bale to box him out. I rest my case.

4. Becky "The Ice Box" O'Shea - She's Lawrence Taylor with tits folks, she was able to singlehandedly stop Spike Hammersmith, a man who is able to drag opposing players while still running at full speed. Plus....she's pretty hot now.

5. Henry Rowengartner - This draft pick seems obvious simply because of the heater he can throw and his obvious skills as a cheerleader from the bench. But this comes with an asterisk, it would have to be for the American League...I don't want and "pitcher's got a big butt" chants on my team.

6. Matthew/Martha - Now I know as Americans we don't really regard soccer as an actual sport. It's merely a past time that parents subject their children to when they are younger to make sure they eat plenty of oranges and actually wake up before noon on Saturdays. But Matthew is essentially like the Kobe Bryant of soccer, he is extremely skilled and once he learns to make his teammates better especially the very underratedly hot Penny Pester, there's no one on the field that can touch him. Plus...he is a master of disguise.

7. Adam Banks - Yes he may be a cake eater, and he may not have any charisma whatsoever...nor does he get the cheesy overtone music when he does something good. But he is the skill player that doesn't draw a lot of attention you need on any good team.

8. Lola Bunny - Sure...she wasn't the MVP of the Tune Squad as that title obviously belonged to Michael Jordan. And granted she's probably not as durable considering Bugs took a dive for her, but she is a cartoon character which gives her longevity, and she is a relative unknown but obviously has an extensive athletic background. And all you have to do is encourage opponents to call her "doll."

9. Willy Mays Hayes - He plays like Mays and he runs like Hayes, plus we have a very big budget for black batting gloves. He also did a movie with "The Governing Body" Jesse Ventura (yes, I'm going to pitch that idea to him...eventually), so you have to respect that.

10. Rudy - Everyone loves an underdog baby. Plus he got to play what two or three plays maximum, I'd utilize him better than that.

Honorable Mentions: Shane Falco, Rod Tidwell, Coop Cooper, Hayley Graham, Kate Peach

As far as a coach, it's a tough call between Gordon Bombay, Lou Brown, and Herman Boone. But I'd have to take Boone as my head coach with Brown as the assistant coach. Bombay can easily be distracted by a hot blonde, and if Boone takes football nut Hayden Panitierre with him (which he will), then Bombay is no use to me. General Manager of the team would be Jimmy McGinty because he isn't afraid to take chances on guys who have failed in the past...plus he finds guys that are "wiry." And my announce team would consist of Harry Doyle and Jim Ross, the wealth of knowledge and humor they would provide would be amazing.

Well I think that's all for this blog post this time around, feel free to comment if you disagree with any of my thoughts and musings. Oh and a gold star goes to one Mr. Doc Remedy who identified last week's quote as being from "Istanbul to Constantinople" by They Might Be Giants and from a Tiny Toons music video (which is out on DVD now, buy it if you have any semblance of a childhood).

This week's quote is an easier one I'd think: "37? I'm 37?" Gold star to the first one who comments with the correct answer.

Happy blogging kids.

Friday 5

2008-07-25T13:17:00.002-04:00

Here we go yet again with another edition of the Friday 5

1. When you go to the beach, lake, or pool, are you more likely to lower yourself gradually into cold water or to take a determined plunge and get it over with?

Definitely a determined plunge to go in. It's best to get it over with right away instead of standing ankle high looking like a goober.

2. How is this like (or unlike) your approach to other tasks or ordeals?

I guess with something that it looks like I'm going to have to do anyway I try and do it all in one shot and go for it as big as you can go.

3. When someone gives you flowers, are you more likely to let them turn completely brown and gross before throwing them out, or to discard them the moment they take on that sick-flower look?

I'll probably let then turn all brown most a few reasons, I'd like to get as much use out of it as i can, and even though the flowers may look horrible they still have some sweet smell about them. I also like to show the person who gave me the flowers that I appreciate it, so I keep them around until basically it makes no more sense to.

4. How is this like (or unlike) your approach to other gifts, purchases, or relationships?

Well hopefully none of my relationships or gifts have turned to the brown and gorss look, but I try to appreciate all the things and relationships that I have while I have them, for as long as I can have them.

5. Think of your favorite movie (or a movie you really like, if you can’t think of a favorite). Some people say that the reasons you love your favorite movie are related to what you value in romantic relationships. How is this true or untrue in your case?

Jeez....my favorite movie is American Beauty or Spider-man, so either I'm a pedophile who can really become truly happy by quitting his job, watching his wife sleep with another man, driving his daughter away, and then ultimately turning down the 16 year old he had been fantasizing about only after he at least got to second base OR I'm a nerd who lusts after the girl on his dreams only to get shot down repeatedly and have my best friend steal her away, only for me to get superhuman abilities and mack it to her upside-down?

.......I'll take the latter.

Worktime Randomness Version 1.0

2008-07-23T11:52:00.001-04:00

Okay, this is going to be the first in a series of blogs that I post from work. Basically the purpose of these blogs is going to be about the random stuff that happens to make it's way somehow into my brainwaves and I don't feel I could share with any of my coworkers for the following reasons:

a) They wouldn't know any of the references that I refer to
b) Nor would they care
c) I'd get that odd "how old are you and how much money are we paying you?" look
d) It's almost too obscure that even I'm not exactly sure of the authenticity of it

Now to prove how random all of these entries are going to.....and really should be, here's something that I've been contemplating for the past day or two ever since I saw Casper on Starz during my day off. The entire concept of Casper is bull shit. Now hear me out, this is not an indictment of the existence of ghosts or anything like that, I'm just talking the physical appearance of Casper and his three uncles Fatso, Stretch, and Stinkie. You see this occurred to me during the end of the movie when not only the movie's villain Kerrigan but Kat's father both die in the flick. When we see their spiritual forms, they are just about an exact replica of their human forms even down to Bill Pullman's glasses and awkwardness and Kerrigans massive chesticles....yet Casper and his kin look like shapeless blobs. If what we were led to believe is the true spiritual form is what happens right after you die, then Casper sure as fuck didn't look like Junior Floyd when he was 12 years old and maybe there was a reason he was locked away in that attic Rye Playland looking room of his. Now if they explained that the longer you are in ghostly form the less you start to look like you did when you were human, fine I'd buy that...but it's never explained. And based on that theory, I don't want to see shapeless ghosts damn it, I want to see a floating older brother from Everybody Loves Raymond, two more floating guys that no one knows of, and a hovering....yet still dreamy...translucent Devon Sawa. Now I told you the journey of my mind takes you to many odd and unusual places, so if that last little ditty of mine completely confused you....it's more than likely only going to get worse from here on in.

This leads me to something popped into my head while talking about Casper. The Muppet Babies are solely responsible for making my generation unhappy. Now hear me out, because when I was a kid I loved the Muppet Babies. My mom worked at a daycare center when I was younger and I used to stay there on days off, and help watch the kids and reap the benefits of juice time and playing with wooden blocks all day...and watch numerous awesome shows and movies like Land Before Time and Sharon, Lois, and Graham's Elephant Show (skidamarinkydinkydink mother fuckers). But now the reason I say Muppet Babies is responsible for making my generation unhappy with our stations in life, lies directly in the theme song. Ahem...sing along if you wish. "When your world looks kind of weird and you wish that you weren't there. Just close your eyes and make believe and you can be anywhere!" Cute lyrics right? Bring you back to your childhood a bit? Well when I heard it then, those lyrics inspired me to believe that I was a ninja turtle stopping a guy who for some reason couldn't just use nuclear warfare to destroy four turtles, or a fat Italian plumber using mushrooms to make himself feel bigger. But now I listen to those lyrics and it's really an indictment of our entire society. The Muppet Babies are basically teaching us to avoid reality at all costs when something, no matter how minutely small, shows up that we don't enjoy. Stuck in traffic? No worries, picture yourself on a pirate ship. Going through a divorce? Eh, that's okay because there is a unicorn right outside your door just waiting to fly you to a world of porn and beer. I mean even looking at almost every single episode, it's as soon as the faceless, nameless authority figure (affectionately referred to as "Nanny" which we all know is real world talk for "Boss" or "Master") tells them to do something, they immediately go to different worlds and when "Nanny" returns more often than not, the problem that they were supposed to solve is solved for them. Not only does that present an entirely skewed view of the real world, it teaches children to skirt responsibility as much as possible until the job eventually gets done for you. Fuck you Muppet Babies, for killing society.

Patti Mayonnaise was a cock tease. Yeah, I said it. It had to be said. Now listen, I'm not trying to say that I didn't enjoy Patti or the entire Doug community for that matter, but looking at it realistically. Patti was probably the biggest cock tease in all of Bluffington. Granted our boy Douglas Yancy Funnie wasn't the smoothest cat in the land, but he also wasn't the most subtle. I mean even Roger figured out early on that Doug was jonesing for Patti ever since she jogged by the Honker Burger. Patti had to know this as well, as she was roughly more intelligent than most of the characters in the school were...despite her shortcomings in math. Yet she pretty much took advantage of all the things Doug did for her without so much as a little sugar for his troubles. Now maybe I'm a bit bitter towards Patti, because all guys growing up have a "Patti" in our lives. And once you grow a bit older (unless of course you end up with "Patti" which never generally happens because there's always a smooth talking editor of the school paper with a name like Guy, who shows up eventually to snatch her away after she finally catches on to your advances and subtle moves), you eventually come to realize that the "Patti's" of the world are just attention whores and cock teases for the most part. They obviously realize what is going on, that the "Doug's" shower them with attention because of crushes, unrequited loves, whatever terminology you want to use, but as long as they play dumb for as long as possible even though the token foreigner in the class (a.k.a. Fentruck) realizes the feelings "Doug" has for "Patti", then "Doug" will keep trying to make moves with "Patti" she'll string him along even further. This is just a message to the "Doug"s of the world....sometimes it's just best to relax, sit back, and strum your own banjo.

Now you may be asking yourself, if by yourself you mean me (Stephen Colbert lifted gimmick, yes I know) why oh why am I completely destroying the idyllic qualities of Patti Mayonnaise, especially when BeBe Bluff is a far more suitable target of ridicule and mockery? Well first of all, that's an excellent question. But it comes with an easy answer. BeBe is a bitch. BeBe is a rich bitch and she knows it, and she is probably proud of it. She makes no bones about, she doesn't try to hide it, she orders you around in Home Ec by not letting you sit for a few minutes even though the cake gets to. If you try and involve yourself in the world that revolves around BeBe Bluff, you pretty much get exactly what you pay for. You have to put up with her bitchiness, but on the bright side, you'd be able to get front rows tickets to the Beets concert, and in the future if you play your cards right, you may even get to nail her. Because BeBe Bluff looks like she would be a good anger bang, in that whole big argument leads to silent sexual tension leads to her grabbing a riding crop and forcing you down on your knees telling you to worship her foot kind of way. So sorry, Mosquito...but no one feels sorry for you. Honk! Honk!

Well I think that's all for now, and if you think that I think too much about this shit. You're probably right, but then again I think about a lot of weird stuff when I don't want to be at work....it's what the Muppet Babies taught me.

P.S. Going to try a little quote contest for anyone who actually takes the time to read my musings, because what good is all this random dribble without a little fun to boot. First to comment on the right source material for this quote gets a gold star. "Why they changed it, I can't say. People just liked it better that waaaaay!"

This blog deserves a better brand of post

2008-07-20T23:32:00.001-04:00

Don't worry...I'll show ya

Yes, this is the obligatory Dark Knight blog post. I've had a day or two to really digest the movie now and I have to say, it is quite possibly not only the best superhero movie I've ever seen, but simply one of the best films I've ever seen.

I'm warning you now....this will have spoilers in it. So if you haven't seen it yet and don't want to be spoiled, stop reading now.

Seriously I will spoil the whole movie for you right now if you don't stop.

Okay.......commencing spoilers.......now.

The Dark Knight was one of the most overhyped movies of this entire year. I mean it was getting so much hype from the beginning of the year as soon as posters popped up with a rather odd looking clown face and the "I Believe in Harvey Dent" posters. Then, unfortunately, Heath Ledger died and the hype increased tremendously. With this being the last film he worked on this turned into almost more than a comic book movie, this became the swansong of someone how now may be looked at as a modern day James Dean on some level. And my what a swansong it is.

I've seen a lot of Heath's movies, and I mean I thought he was a good actor but nothing really too dynamite. However, I'm not sure why it seemed like he may have been holding back in a lot of his other performances or what, but his transformation (and yes, it is a transformation) into the Joker....well it chilled me to my core. I've seen a lot of Jokers, from Nicholson to the comics to Batman Beyond....and this far surpasses any incarnation of the Joker I've ever seen. They way he seamlessly moves through madness is almost an art form, at no point did I see Heath Ledger in makeup on that screen....from the very first moment the Clown Prince of Crime is on the IMAX screen he is as ruthless and sadistic as the Joker is supposed to be. And the best part is, he balances it with humor...not the kind of slapstick, joy buzzer, fist coming out of a handgun humor.....but real sick twisted dark vile humor, and it worked flawlessly. Some of the lines he delivers just offset the serious tone of Batman while never losing the credibility of him being basically a terrorist with no limits and no regard for anything else. Alfred says that some men just like to see the world burn....and boy does this Joker ever embody that.

Okay, enough about Joker, even though I'll probably kiss his purple suited ass more soon....let's move on to the rest of the film. Christian Bale is a really good Batman, and perhaps an even better Bruce Wayne. While I don't necessary appreciate the "angry voice" he uses for the Caped Crusader, Bale as Bruce Wayne is flawless. The interaction between him and Harvey Dent (more on him later) while fighting over Rachel Dawes added a bit of light humor to an otherwise very dark film. And this Batman is now past the origin and moving into the territory where he is truly a vigilante, being hated by citizens and villains alike. The running theme of the story with Batman not necessarily being the hero Gotham wants, but the hero Gotham needs is a really good way of running the plot and making it move. Especially when it comes to regarding Batman and Harvey Dent as two heroes who follow very different paths. And the mental chess game between Batman, Commissioner Gordon, Dent and the Joker is really reminiscent of a comic book pace with many twists and turns that all made the two hours plus fly by.

Now when I first read the very brief summaries about Dark Knight before the movie came out and I saw Harvey Dent was in it, I was led to believe that Joker and probably Batman would somehow cause the formation of Two-Face and lead into the third movie with Two-Face as the lead villain. Boy was I ever wrong. Maybe it's a law that Nolan has that he wants two of Batman's most notorious rogues in each of his movies...but boy did we ever see Two-Face come to fruition. Before I get to that though, Harvey Dent needs to be discussed because it takes a special kind of movie to build up a character like Dent so much for the first 3/4 of a movie only to have him "heel turn" so much and have it work so well that me ignoring it would be a travesty. Now upon first glance Harvey Dent seems almost like too much of a do-gooder especially when he somehow foils an attempted assassination of himself when a gun is pulled on the bench. But then we get to the meat of Dent, a man who supports Batman. They went an interesting route with Dent and Batman almost working concurrently to take down the mob in Gotham. Harvey Dent is to Gotham what Superman is to Metropolis, a man that seems almost untouchable in the public's eyes and even acts that way in his private life. Harvey Dent is a good man, even admittedly far better than Bruce Wayne, Batman, and Commissioner Gordon. By the middle of this movie, you do believe in Harvey Dent. Enter the Joker. You see Joker's plot involves not only causing as much havoc as humanly possible, but at it's core he wants to prove that everyone is Gotham is deep down as twisted as he is. Although one of Joker's little ploys involving ferries of criminals and civilians fails, he eventually succeeds in turning clean cut Harvey Dent into a burnt up pissed off killer named Two-Face. This turn doesn't come from some simple acid on the face, Harvey is forced to hear Rachel die as Batman comes to save him instead of going after her. In the process of Rachel and Harvey's simultaneous exploding predicaments Harvey actually causes the acid burns himself. Harvey experiences extreme emotional and physical trauma at exactly the same time...as you can imagine that makes a man quite angry, and it burns half of his favorite coin in the process. While in a hospital set to explode thanks to the Joker, Joker visits Harvey's hospital bed dressed in full-on nurse's gear (which looks hilarious for the record) and convinces Joker to embrace what Batman and Gordon have turned him into. The internal struggle between Harvey is etched on his face....literally. The rational good side of Dent can be shown in his lips moving while the side Joker wants him to embrace is shown through the teeth moving on his burned half. Dent then pulls out a gun and tells Joker the his odds are 50-50, just like everyone else's. After that the hospital explodes and we don't see what happens until Harvey kills crooked cops in Gordon's precinct and then goes after Gordon's family. The turn is drastic but very very well done, and props to the makeup department because it looks absolutely amazing.

I'm not going to get into Bale's Batman because he is really more of the same as in the first movie and is upstaged by the performance of Ledger here and rightfully so. But the supporting cast of characters in the acting trilogy of perfection that is Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, and Gary Oldman is purely phenomenal. All of them chew the darkened scenery that is Gotham city. I honestly cannot still even express how well all three of these men give so much life to the characters that aren't as focused on as much but when they are on camera you can't take their eyes off them. They seem like the normal people in this city full of clown faced killers souped up offroaders and half burnt maniacs and they weave seamlessly in and out of the world while being able to bring some grounded level as to what we are all experiencing. One scene in particular stands out when a higher up in Waynetech figures out that Wayne Industries may have manufactured the Batmobile, he threatens Lucius Fox with blackmail. Lucius simply responds with something along the lines of, "So you think you're multi billionaire employer in a vigilante who goes out at night and beats the hell out of criminals with his bare hands simply because he can, and you want to blackmail him? Good luck." The idiot stands there and gulps. As we sit and mock him. That one scene right there summarizes how well the "normals" make this scene complete.

The bottom line is if you haven't seen Dark Knight....go. If you have seen it...go again.

As a comic book fan and as a movie fan in general, I don't think we will ever seen another movie like this. And that is the truth. Joker said that Gotham deserved a better brand of criminal, and he gave it to us...in spades.

First post featuring the Friday 5

2008-07-18T17:31:00.000-04:00

Actual musings will come later but I figured I'd kick this bitch off right with the Friday 5

1. If you could change one life-changing event in the life of someone important to you, would you?

Well it really depends, if they knew about it and approved of the change then I might especially if it helped them out a lot. But otherwise, I don't think I'd like to have control over someone else's destiny. Besides a life-changing event is usually life-changing for a reason and there is always something to be learned and gained from things like that.

2. Which do you think is easier to do, being friends for many years, or being life partners for many years?

You know my dad used to say to me that you will have many friends in life, many come and go as freely as the wind, but you have to hold on to the special select group of people that will be your friends for life. And I'd say that is pretty damned difficult to do.

3. Have you ever walked away from someone you considered a friend?

I would never walk away from someone I considered a friend no matter the circumstances, if one of my friends need me I will be there in any capacity I can be or have to be.

4. If you had to choose between telling the truth and hurting a friend or lying and making them happy, which would you choose?

Probably in the long run I think the truth is always best, but softening the blow and comforting them afterwards I think would have to be necessary.

5. Which would you rather hear--the truth which will hurt, or the comforting lie?

Lie to me baby.

Seriously, I think I'd also rather eventually hear the truth, if I'm honest with my friends I'd want them to be honest with me, and the pain will eventually go away.